manipulative, coy, playing games

the day is coming fast. i have things to do. death preparations someone told me. making sure things are in order- savings accounts, insurance policies, bills for the month paid. gonna start cleaning my closet. nothing obvious. been writing goodbye letters in my head. there is a small part of me who is screaming . the majority says shut up. i can’t explain what is going on in my head. rapid mood swings, not wanting to talk, wanting to be alone. all kinds of physical complaints. too late to address those. too late to address my fucked up head. i accept responsibility for  the fucked up mess i am today. hence the decision to terminate my life. i can’t stand it anymore. and as i get older things had only gotten progressively worse. came to the conclusion that my shrink, therapist don’t know what to do with me anymore. they have tried and are not at fault in any way. though i found it interesting that my shrink doesn’t believe me. oh well doesn’t really matter. he has run out of tricks. and our relationship has been contentious these last couple months. more to do with him than me. guess that is enough for now.