Maximum effort and No outcome – The answer of why I still continue

Have you ever tried putting maximum effort and ended having no outcome at all? Yes I have all the time and in all my life actually.

I tried to fight autism. I tried to fight my feeling of becoming suicidal. It keeps coming back with greater vengence. It is like consuming a drug or perhaps that drug is consuming me instead

I am glad I broke out with my boyfriend whom I was about to marry. At least I saved him from me. Unfortunately, I cannot save the people around me from me.

I tried to study only to find out my grades fail me. Really believe me I have tried everything. I have tried to concentrate. I failed.

What is the point of trying? I used to wonder. I finally understood why I did.

Perhaps it is the only way I could get myself so exhausted that I can eventually die. Then I can finally rest assure that I can stop fighting suicide. It is war everyday. I hope that this war kills me. I can finally be home and have my well-deserved eternal rest… 🙂