My birthday is in two weeks. I would like to kill myself then.

I’m already dead inside.

I screwed my life beyond repair, and all of it for no valid reasons. All because of anxiety that got me and the depression that came after. I gave up my life and I cannot take it back. I cannot live in the “what’s left of my life” while facing everyday the “how bright my life would have been if I didn’t screwed it all up”. It’s just too painful and it drains my motivation away. I don’t like myself anymore and I think it doesn’t worth to live like this.

I didn’t commit suicide yet because I am afraid of the consequences it will have on my loved ones, especially my parents. But I can’t see things getting better, I can’t see myself ever going out of my unhappiness.

I really think suicide is wrong and all the stuff, I’ve read millions of posts about people wanting to suicide and comments that said not to do it and that things can always get better. I proved I am too weak to cope with problems, and I created bigger problems with this attitude. I can’t see another way out of my misery. I don’t want to live a miserable life.

My 26th birthday is approaching, I think I am too young to die and I don’t want to, but living like this it’s just a protracted agony. I am not anxious or “clinically” depressed anymore, but now that I “woke up” I can’t stand seeing what I turned my life into. I can’t feel happiness and I can’t enjoy the things I enjoyed before. Music first of all, I loved music, now I can barely listen to it or play it cause it has so many memories attached that it hurts me.

I haven’t a plan. I think it doesn’t make much sense to give all of my stuff away or sell my motorbike in order to leave more money to my parents, they won’t care about money once their son committed suicide. I think about what people will think about me and how my death will affect their lives and it is a horrible thought. But if I force myself into being selfish I think that I will be in nothingness and I won’t be able to care about all of it.

At least I hope there will be nothingness after death. I just want to not exist anymore. I have never believed in God, in Heaven or Hell, in reincarnation or every other possibility conceived by the human mind, but now I have the fear of “what if there’s really something after?”. Anything aside of nothingness it will certainly be worse then this.

Should I do this? Should I take this gamble and hope I will be nothing? Or should I force myself into a life when every moment of every day I suffer and this could last for the rest of my days? I’ll give myself till my birthday to think about it, in the meantime I will think about the best method possible. It makes really sad thinking that I’m going to die, but my life makes me sad too. So at least sadness will go when death comes.