I don’t know. I have a lot of problems with myself. When it comes to self-esteem I suck. Oh you see a pretty outfit? Oh wait you’re too fat for it. Oh that guy’s cute? Oh, he picked the prettiest girl.
When I was younger I didn’t care what people said about me because I was happy being myself. About a yer ago all that changed. I saw how people dressed and I thought that I should start dressing like that. You know, just to look pretty and fit in. I started changing my style. Getting ‘better clothes’, ‘better shoes’. I wanted to be accepted. Then I locked my actual self inside me so she can’t get out and I can be the person that would be liked by everyone (if that makes sense).
Every time I start liking a guy I make this thing in my head; I see what I want to see. I believe that he has noticed me. That he finds me attractive. That I’m good enough. Then I start seeing that he doesn’t even know I exist. I somehow always notice that because I see how he goes on with his life like I’m invisible. It hurts my feelings although it is not love. It hurts because I get my hopes up.