What do you do when you’ve been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? How would you feel when a group of professionals call your behaviour attention-seeking?
Well let me tell you. First of all you begin to dissect every single aspect of your life. That comment you just made to your friend – was that just an attempt to steer the conversation towards you? The anger you felt when your friend turned up fifteen minutes late. Was that because of a deep insecurity about your own importance in the world? Do you believe that time itself should stop for you? Those conversations you have had with mental health professionals in the past; have they all been a fluke? Have those staff members then sat behind hidden doors, lying upon their armchairs and chuckling about your pleas for attention? Is the fact that you are even thinking about such things reflect your own self-absorbed mind? Do you glance into mirrors at every corner of your life, so that all you can see is a reflection of your own insecurities? Does the outside world even exist in your life?
And then you begin to look internally. Why are you so self-obsessed with yourself? What underlies this attention-seeking behaviour? Is it a need for intimacy? Perhaps your internal life is so inadequate, that the only option is to create a persona that is larger than life. Think back to everything you have done. You have been living in a self-obsessed world. It has all been me, me, me.
And then this label begins to consume you. Are you even ill? Maybe you are just a bad person. Maybe this is just another way to tell you you are annoying. This explains so much about your life. About your relationships. Why you can no longer hold down a friendship. How many people out there must despise you. How many times have you taken control over relationships, forcing yourself into other people’s lives. What makes you think you are more than a speck of dust in other people’s existence?
Does this make you a bad person? Is there treatment for such a disease? How do you stop being so self-consuming? How do you begin to pick apart your inadequacies, when these are the very pillars upon which your self-esteem stands. One swipe and everything will fall apart, revealing the scared little girl who lies beneath the diagnosis.
Who do you turn to next, without further conforming to this label? How do you seek help for something that is so internal?
Perhaps it is best to just lie within your own self-absorbed mind, the real world flying past you while you play God within your fantasy world.