Now What?

May 15th, 2015by nova88hb

I know that I can create a new future for myself at any moment.  But I cannot escape the past I have created.  I’m 33, and have a master’s degree in engineering.  I struggled my way through school, working full time at night some years to get through.  I had mediocre grades, and now I teach college for $35,000 a year.  It doesn’t cover my bills, and nobody else will hire me because my grades are too low.

I should have never been an engineer though.  I have always been interested in meteorology.  I am most of the way through a degree in it as well.  I run into the same problem- every job turns me down, or isn’t worth applying to because my grades were too low (now 15 years ago!), and I can’t compete with the other applicants ever.

Today, the university told me that I was ineligible for financial aid.  My roof is leaking badly.   My car with 355,000 miles on it died, and the one thing I truly love in life, storm chasing, will not be possible this spring.

I really can’t complain.  I wasn’t abused, my parents are nice people, and I have friends.   But that only makes it worse- I guess I had every opportunity and I still fucked it up.  And there’s no way out now, with the debt I carry.

I don’t so much want to die, as I want a way out.   I feel like I worked hard to get here, and I would have been better off not.  Because there is no way out, perhaps suicide is an option.  Or doing enough drugs to be numb to it all.

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