I know that I can create a new future for myself at any moment. But I cannot escape the past I have created. I’m 33, and have a master’s degree in engineering. I struggled my way through school, working full time at night some years to get through. I had mediocre grades, and now I teach college for $35,000 a year. It doesn’t cover my bills, and nobody else will hire me because my grades are too low.
I should have never been an engineer though. I have always been interested in meteorology. I am most of the way through a degree in it as well. I run into the same problem- every job turns me down, or isn’t worth applying to because my grades were too low (now 15 years ago!), and I can’t compete with the other applicants ever.
Today, the university told me that I was ineligible for financial aid. My roof is leaking badly. My car with 355,000 miles on it died, and the one thing I truly love in life, storm chasing, will not be possible this spring.
I really can’t complain. I wasn’t abused, my parents are nice people, and I have friends. But that only makes it worse- I guess I had every opportunity and I still fucked it up. And there’s no way out now, with the debt I carry.
I don’t so much want to die, as I want a way out. I feel like I worked hard to get here, and I would have been better off not. Because there is no way out, perhaps suicide is an option. Or doing enough drugs to be numb to it all.