At this point I am all alone in my own head. There’s not a single person in the world that knows how I truly feel, and I’m hurting. I have no clue what the source of these inner demons I’m struggling with is, and at this point I don’t think I’ll ever find it.
It has been six years since I started feeling depressed. I am 19 and my feelings started as a freshman in high school. At first I just thought they were normal teen angst. I felt lonely. I felt alienated from those around me. I felt so guilty about everything I did wrong, shame enveloping every action I ever took, good or bad.
The only thing in the world that I liked or felt understood by was music. I could play piano for someone and they really would know how I felt. Now even that is alien to me, for every time I try to play a song or even just one note it sounds so fucking terrible. I hate it, I hate the way I play and rarely do anymore.
I thought college would be a turning point, because I could get a fresh start, but all of the people I originally thought I would become friends with have left me behind and I am left alone with my sorrows. I work hard in school and work out every day, but every spare moment I have is spent hanging my head in a darkened room trying to avoid these feelings that have been plaguing me for so long.
There is nothing left for me in this life. I feel betrayed, I feel ashamed. I don’t know how much longer I can go on when I know I want to end it all.
In 2 years, I will be able to buy a handgun. When I can, if I still feel this way, I will purchase and use it effectively to end my life.
3 comments
Stay strong. I see you are very strong do u? I may not be in ur position but I am in a mess of my own, I’ve felt alone and like no one will understand.. Even if u feel no one understands I’d be glad to try too. Don’t feel like you can’t vent on here Bcuz u can,let it all out you deserve to be heard. If u need a friend to talk to off of this u can email me. Nobodysperfectbut143@gmail.com
I’m your age & looking to help you get through it if it’s possible, which it is. Your not alone here. <3
Please don’t. You’re worth it, I promise that. Maybe you feel like no one cares. But someone out there does. At least, I do. There is a point. You make that point though. Please at least try to find your reasons to live.
Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You are a perfectly splendid, valuable, creative, Worthwhile person… simply because you exist. No amount of triumphs and tribulations can Ever change that. Perhaps you have too much soul to be handled by someone who’s never been passionate. Maybe the saying that love and friendship will triumph in the end is a lie… if so, then you should remember that you live in a vast, beautifully eccentric world that you’ve seen none percent of.
There is without a single doubt by a single being, another Thing that is waiting for you…be it a person man/woman, an animal wolf/lion, or the keys of your piano waiting to be pressed..
Just don’t ever minimize your feelings, shout them from the rooftops… The world is listening just as its waiting for a sunrise.