somethings broken

Every since i was little i have had this feeling of something being missing or broken inside. Elementary school was okay because i wasn’t self aware enough to understand what i felt. I cried every day of middle school because i was weird poor and ugly and everybody i liked hated me. Writing that sounds so over dramatic but i think thats one of my problems too. I feel things so deeply. I dont know if its deeper than others but love and hate and sadness consume me when i feel them. I start operating off feelings and logic goes out the window. High school was a series of poor decisions based on trying to fit in and fill that empty broken part of me with “friends” and male attention. I have two kids now and honestly i am not a good parent. I feed them and make sure they go to school but im emotionally unavailable. When i can get the emotional strength to spend time with them i do. We go places and i am affectionate but for the most part i ignore them. I cant focus on anything else because that part of me always feels broken and im constantly trying to fix it. Im tired of trying to fix it. Emotions make you do stupid shit and im tired of having them. Im tired of existing just to exist. I dont get the point anymore and im tired of trying to figure it out. Whatever happens after you die has to be different from this. Maybe not better, but different. Im not a weak person. I have fought these feelings for almost 30 years but its to the point where i see i cant win and i would just like to rest and be done with it. Nothing else can fix the broken place except death so im ready. Thanks for reading