2.5 years ago I cheated on my boyfriend of 10 years. He never forgave me. I found out later that he cheated on me for revenge and had cheated on me years ago that I didn’t know. I strived to become better and professionally and physically I am but emotionally I am a wreck. We have been separated but finances force us to live together. I am full of shame for my actions to the point where any time I hear about something bad some on has done I imagine it is me until I feel even more ashamed. Its obsessive and I can’t stop. My heart hurts and I have anxiety attack ks all the time. I think about suicide as a way out. I sometimes think of it as a way to put my mind at peace because it feels like the ultimate peaceful way out. I want to live but I don’t know if I can keep on going like this.
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It was either Allan Hardman or Mike Dooley (I highly recommend both authors) that said something that resonated in my core about self-guilt and punishment.. “humans are the only beings that make a mistake and then punish themselves (judge and jury) over and over for it. Animals, nor anything else documented in existance, do this”.
We will leave an abusive person when we’ve reached a breaking point, yet we annihilate ourselves incessantly and without mercy. Realize that what happened wasn’t life ending and that it happened for a reason – and a really good reason.
This is very forward thinking but, open your mind to this…
Another resonance from a book I read was: there is no right or wrong. People aren’t good or bad, we just are who we are and we do what we need to do – it’s as easy to grasp as that.
Understanding that we aren’t blind, there was a good reason you cheated. There was a good reason he cheated. The focus of (why) and (what next) is being masked by this incorrect thinking that you did something wrong and you’re punishing yourself for it, you’re making yourself sick.
By societies standard you did something wrong, but it isnt society that eat sleeps lives and breathes for you or me. Their rules don’t convict you Sweet Heart. You are actually a step closer to who you truly are, and that ISN’T a cheating piece of shit. You did what you did (something that you’d never do) because your subconscious is trying to get your attention. What it’s trying to say Is something only you can listen to and find out.
Another truth is, while it’s not ideal to cheat, there is always a beautiful truth behind why we do the messed up things we do. That is what the focus should be on, not guilt. Your subconscious is telling you something… something that will free you.. don’t be afraid to ask questions and listen to the answer, the answers for all of us are individual and scary, but what lies on the other side of this mistake will be you, the better you than the you are now.
Be highly encouraged that you are an amazing person, what you did was not “wrong” and this is simply a setback to being the really great You that you are meant to be. Ask yourself questions and search for answers. All you have to do is work your way back on track, which may be in a completely different direction altogether than the way you were headed, but it will be way better.
Thank you. I will be reading this many many times.