Today was a shitty day

Been down all day today and can’t really put my finger on why.  Nothing special happened today, just really down all day.  Should be in a good mood since I’m gonna see my son for his birthday tomorrow.  When I feel this way, I always want to feel better NOW! I don’t want to wait and hope tomorrow’s better.  I think of all the things that helped in the past like booze, drugs, cutting, but none of those things seem to help much anymore.  They just get me in trouble, like I don’t need anymore DUI’s – the next one will be a felony.  Fuck, I feel like such a loser – I don’t think I’ll ever get my shit together.  I really have no insight into my moods.  Medications help me not bounce all over the place, but I don’t really think they do shit other than that.  And yeah suicidal thoughts pop into my head when I feel this way because I think it’s always gonna be like this.  But except for one time all my attempts have been pathetic and I feel pathetic for that.