Obviously my name isn’t hunter s, but he is a man i admire and whose writing has helped me immensely through the years. i should start by saying that i’m not here to write my suicide note. not yet at least. i’m here because i’m broken. i have almost nothing left to lose (i say almost because i’m still alive, sort of..) and no reason to live but no reason to die. I’m here because my heart is broken the venom from all the shit people i call friends and family has been building up and burning my insides for so long that its finally breached the walls I built to contain it. Today i failed an exam that would have set me on a course for my dream job and gotten me out of the hell i call home had i passed. I know i could have passed it but i choked, stumbled, and ultimately fell. I spent the 2.5 hour drive home thinking of all the ways i could hurt myself as punishment and the ways i could end my suffering. I screamed at myself until i bled. i punched everything within reach of the steering wheel until my knuckles were so bloody and raw that i had to bandage them. I know these thoughts and feelings aren’t healthy and iv’e tried everything there is to try to fix them. the only thing that helps me is letting them out to my best and most trusted friend. i love her and her son unconditionally. i would do anything to make them happy and see them smile. unfortunately she doesn’t feel the same about me. she says she Only loves me as a friend; whatever that means. My history with her is long and complicated but that’s a story for another time. what i’m trying to say is that i know she can help me. I know that she does care about me. shes probably the only person that ever truly has cared about me. shes the only reason i haven’t killed myself yet. i know that it would hurt her too much if i did that but i also know that going to her for help will hurt her too. she unintentionally put a lot of that venom and self hatred into me and hates herself for it. that’s why i’m coming here to you, the internet, my last safe harbor and only hope for salvation. I hate myself so much for hurting her and for burning myself out for all of the people in my life that only want to use me and for all the failures and mistakes iv’e made. im 25 now and ive been clinically depressed as long as i can remeber. the first time i tried to end my life i was in first grade. and its always something thats on my mind. I wont last much longer. i need help. i need advice. i need the one thing i cant have.
where do i go from here?
1 comment
There are few feelings worse than failing at something you know you can do. I wish I had some simple advice to give you. Unfortunately all I can offer is the knowledge that people here care. We will listen. You are amongst friends.