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i guess i’m just really f*cked up

by Everly_182

basically for over 3 years now i wake up with the same question in my head, what happened?/when did i start to feel this way?/what the hell caused this?! for 3 years now, I still have no clue. Why am i so sad? why am i even depressed? why is it every time I’m hanging out with my family or my friends i feel alone and empty? I’ve literally lost myself. I’m not the same anymore. I don’t find excitement or happiness in the things that i used to, i don’t want to hang out with any one anymore, all I wanna do is be left alone with no one to bother me. No school, no parents, no friends. I have been depressed for over 3 years now. A month ago I finally opened up to my parents. But i didn’t tell them everything… basically what i said was that i needed help and i can’t take this anymore.. i didn’t tell them that i self-harm or that i even think about taking my life… I was always afraid of the thought about dying..When i was little i used to pray every night that i would wake up in the morning, that i wouldn’t die in my sleep and that i wouldn’t wake up alone…  the thought used to scare the shit out of me…because i believed that i have a chance. that i have a chance of doing something with my life and make it worth it. That there will come a day, when i will be able to make my dreams come true… i always wanted to do something with music. I loved to sing and play instruments. I always dreamed about being in a band and playing whatever, i didn’t really care what i would be doing,as long as it would involve music, i would be happy. But everything changed when i finally told my friends and family what i wanted to be in life. I remember  it like it had happened an hour ago.. I told my (so called) best friend(we knew eacother since birth) that i want to sing and make music… her anwser is still replaying in my head every time i pick my guitar or just think of singing out loud ,and it has been more than 12 years since i told her. She basically said that i had no talent, that i sing like a cat dying under a tractor  and that i’m stupit if i think i have a chance… i didn’t take that much to heart.. but still it stung like ***** knowing that she could be right…Next i told my mom, who i thought would deny my best friends thoughts, but she only said the thing i really didn’t expect from her to hear. She said i couldn’t be a singer or an actor or any thing like that…that actors and singers don’t have a future and besides how would i do that if i have no talent and no ”special voice” anyway… that crushed my world.. that flushed my dreams down the toilet. the person who i looked up the most, who basically told me every day i could be who ever i want to be if i just believe in myself just shattered the thing that meant the most to me..  i never sang again.. Even today i don’t sing infront of anybody… even when no  one’s home i still keep my voice in low volume. But the dreams are still here and i can’t do anything to make them true. I learned how to play 6 instruments and for what? It was all just a waste. When i told my friends a few years later that i wanted to make a band and that i could play some instruments they just laughed at me and said i was pathetic. And when i came to highschool and tried again, no one wanted to be a part of it saying ”i don’t know how to play any instrument” or ”i don’t know how to sing ”etc... Over the years i’ve tried to make something out of my life but what else can i do? music is the only thing i have ever been good at, at least that’s what i thought. But that’s not the only reason why i’m feeling like this. there are stuff in my head, more precisely, the voice who just won’t shut up. I have no one to tell  how i’m feeling and even if i did, they’d think i’m crazy and just leave me. I have been taking some medication my psychologist prescribed me ( i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety), but they don’t help. i still feel the same as i did all of those  years ago. Empty,alone,afraid and just nothing… I feel nothing. Sometimes i’m completely numb. There’s no emotion in my body and i don’t care about anything.. But that’s the feeling i hate the most.. nothing.. at that point it feels like i’m already dead and i still don’t know why i haven’t done anything about it yet,i mean.. i’m not happy being alive. But i also feel like i’m being selfish when i think about dying. Like if someone would look at my life, they would see nothing wrong with it. My family doesn’t hurt me or abuse me in any kind of way, i have friends, i dont get bullied,etc. But even though i have all these things i feel alone. At night i cry for no reason until my body can’t take it no more and i fall asleep… simple as that. what is wrong with me? i think about attempting suicide ( a lot) but i guess i’m just too afraid of the thought that there might be nothing on the other side.Nothing. Just  darkness for eternity. And i am religious but i don’t know if i should believe in heaven,i mean i defintelly don’t deserve to go there .. like God gave us a life and here i am thinking about taking it. it doesn’t get more selfish than that. But either way.. would i go to hell if i commited suicide? Where do we really go? does anybody know?… i guess i’ll just have to find out. Maybe one day, when i’ll finally grow a pair and put all of my friends and family out of their misery.. the world that i live in would be so much better without me in it.

anyone who’ll read this, i’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense and if it’s misspelled, but english is not my mother language and this site is in english and i doubt that anyone here speaks my language so.. I’m sorry i know i’m pathetic.. Sorry..

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3 comments

Sammi6xoxo 5/27/2015 - 6:59 pm

You are not pathetic. You’re far from pathetic. If you have that much passion for music, keep doing it. It doesn’t matter how many people Tell you that you can’t. Keep trying. Practice. Work your ass off every day.

If there is a heaven, you deserve to be there. But no one really knows. It’s up to you to decide what you believe. No one else can tell you that. Do you believe you’ll go to hell if you commit suicide?

Everly_182 5/28/2015 - 5:04 am

first thanks for commeting. second, i do want to kee doing it, God knows i want to but i can’t, it’s like every where i go or try to do something i’m shut down.. it’s either ”yeah,thanks but we don’t need a violin player” or ” thanks for coming but we’re full so we don’t need you now, but thank you anyway”… basically i feel like it’s a sign that i’m not needed… yeah, i am afraid that i would go to hell, like why not? God gave us a life to do so much and here i am, a 18 year old brat that’s constantly thinking about taking it… it would be like a kind of punishment, you know… some who would want to do so much and they can’t because they are either sick or already dying.. it just seems unfair and selfish to me:/

winterofdead 4/25/2017 - 12:51 am

My story is like yours. If you’re stil alive, if you still come back to this, I would make music with you. it’s always been my dream and I write songs but I can’t really play any instruments that well. I would love to talk to you. Music is what kept me alive.

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