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When I am dead

by QuirkyFox

I will miss being held by those who love me.

I will miss watching cow parsley swaying in the breeze.

I will miss songs that remind me of those who left me.

I will miss the smell of warm rain, small rabbits, dandelions and daisies.

I will miss helping those who need me.

I will rest in peace, knowing I brought more joy than pain to the world.

Although I regret the harsh words I sometimes spoke, especially to those who hurt me.

I hope my death does not take long, I don’t want to suffer or have people watch me suffer.

I wanted death a couple of months ago. Then I found a little happiness. Now in a cruel twist of fate- Death comes knocking at my door.

Life is strange, we always want what we don’t have.

I hope to go in peace without much pain or bloodshed.

Im not made for this world. I’ve always been too fragile, too easily hurt, too loving. I feel the people I’ve met have drained my spirit dry.

I truly felt my soul leaving the last time my heart broke. I felt myself dying from inside.

I’m not afraid of death, I look forward to becoming an Angel. Then no one can hurt me and I won’t be in pain  anymore.

My one wish is to never be born on Earth again.

Let me remain an Angel always, Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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9 comments

curfde 5/25/2015 - 5:49 pm

I can relate to your suffering, I too am too kind, fragile and not made for this world. I have suffered so long and any happiness I get is only temporary. I too will miss a lot of things but at the same time I won’t miss many things either.

In my situation, I have had the ultimate betrayal. I was irreparably injured by those who were suppose to protect me, and this sucked the spirit out of me over at least a decade.

I have had many good times, temporary as they may be, I still am thankful for them, but the pain and irreparable damage always returns.

I hope we both find peace and happiness no matter what. I can’t say I don’t fear death but I know things can’t go on for me like this. I can’t live a life that is irreparably damaged and painful, i’m either not strong enough for it’s simply an impossible task I don’t wish to suffer through at this magnitude.

Look me up I’ll be the person with a ‘F’ grade on the big heaven or wherever bulletin board lol. I’d love to see those wings though.

QuirkyFox 5/25/2015 - 6:05 pm

Thank you. I will look for you… I will be the one with rainbow coloured hair. Riding a white unicorn.

born-for-suicide 5/25/2015 - 10:28 pm

best comment ever c:

curfde 5/25/2015 - 8:41 pm

Awesome.

born-for-suicide 5/25/2015 - 10:28 pm

I will search for you also. I’ll be that other rad angel. Life isn’t for everyone.

Bloodboil 5/25/2015 - 10:38 pm

Quirky. I liked the little messages we sent one another. I wish i had the social competence to write more of them and keep a conversation running but I dont.

I don’t know anything what i should say, but you once said: say what comes to mind, so here goes.

If you have to go, I won’t hold you back. But remember always that you’ve made your own little mark in my life. And i don’t regret it one bit. I wish i could’ve done the same to you. With all my flaws you’ve still got a friend in me.

So if you go out there. One day, when i join that place, meet me at the park. I’ll treat you a dinner.

Staying on this tormenting dustball of a planet isn’t easy not with the mangling you’ve taken. You’ve made it through a lot already, you and I know that. I think I might just carefully peek whats behind the next corner of my life. Will you?

If you need time, i’ll wait. If you want to go right now. I won’t hold it against you. If you want to continue I’ll walk with you.

What will you choose?
I will still be here, my dear friend.

QuirkyFox 5/26/2015 - 2:59 am

I was litrally just remembering our messages before reading this.

It’s hard… I was feeling better but then I found out I have something wrong with me, I’m having an operation to have a lump removed… But now I have ‘other symptoms’ and these point to it being something more than just a lump. So maybe I don’t have a choice… I’m going on one huge holiday if that’s the case 🙂 and I might pop in and say hi to a few people along the way.

Bloodboil 5/26/2015 - 4:41 pm

Uh oh, sorry to hear that.
In anycase, whatever happens, good luck.

QuirkyFox 5/26/2015 - 4:44 pm

It’s probably just wishful thinking. Life is like a treadmill and I am struggling to stay on. Really what I want is for it all to stop… But like so many here I’m trapped by guilt and love. If I die because of an illness it makes it ok. But I doubt it’s the case… Stuff like that only happens to people who want to live…. And if it did happen it would be so drawn out if have to end it myself anyway. Ha
Anyway… Thanks you for remembering me, it means a lot.

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