I just really hate my life… waking up is the worst, coming to a job where you are always on the outside and useless.
My friend tells me I should be happy I have a job… I can see her point but it’s life I have such hatred against, not a job or finances. It’s waking up, breathing, not existing, being eternally hopeless, eternally saddened by things that make others happy or normal… everything hurts and is negative. There’s no “thing” or “sunny day” to change the bleakness of everything in every waking second.
If I were cut out to be here I’d have figured it out by now. It’s NOT coming to me, but it’s further away day in and day out. I’m exhausted and just want to die. I’m almost 40. It’s just over. I want it all to be done and go away, and it can. I just wish I wasn’t so alone and could do what I plan to do. It makes me so happy to know that I can have a way out but it seems so far away. I can’t take it anymore.