Without Purpose

nothing is worth it anymore. I fuck up in innumerable ways without even trying. Turning to alcohol just makes it worse, causing even bigger failures. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Yes, I am smart, I have a future, how could I be so selfish, I have everything handed to me. I’m a wreck of human, inadequate at life, I have no purpose, no reason. I have messed up nearly everything and don’t want to wake up to face my consequences of anything. I’m reckless, and very soon I won’t be here any longer, unless the cats I work with this summer somehow save me. They’re the only thing I enjoy. I have no hobbies or anything anymore, nothing to do, nothing that causes me enjoyment, makes my heart warm or parts my lips into a smile. It hasn’t been that way for a long long time. I’m isolating, doing anything to not be sober, get out of this mindset. I’m currently on my five hour drive home from college to start my summer and I never thought I’d say I wasn’t excited to go home and see all my friends. But I’m not, I can’t handle facing them. They’re going to know I’m  not right, they’ll notice how I stare off into space, my prolonged silence. Every breath I take is a struggle, a constant battle between my body’s natural instinct to live by indulging my body in oxygen and life, while in my heart it’s an endless hole of loneliness and failure that wants nothing more than to give up, give out, and beat no more.