yesterdays life

I went to doctors yesterday and have gota mild eating disorder because I have a fear of gaining weight 🙁 it’s kinda hard cause I also have depression and get a lot of thoughts and everyday is hard.  Social worker contacted me yesterday saying if I was safe and I feel the doctor has told them stuff I told them all my levels of trust have gone 🙁 I feel major down and I’m in pain a lot with my back and have cluster headaches a lot too I am also anemic so I bruise easily and I’m quite pale. I have about two friends I’ll talk to about everything but some how I dunno how to talk about this :/ its easier for me to write down how I feel and what’s going on. I am still cutting as at college I’m getting bullied for being pale and ‘ill looking’cutting helps for a while it forgets about the pain that others make me feel but then when it stops the pain comes back :/ I dunno whether to go to counseling sessions on Wednesdays because I dont want them contacting my parents about it as my mom has made it clear that ‘cutters are freaks and ugly’ 🙁 it’s hard because I’ve started smoking too and doing wreckless things like walking in the road when a car is coming and walking on the edge of a bridge :/.

I know some of the posts don’t make sense so ill introduce myself I’m Shannon I’m 17 and I go to sixth form in UK. When I was 9 years old my mom told me I was fat and that I needed to be on a special diet. I thought my mom has looking out for me but what se didn’t realise was I developed bulimia and after every meal I had my family became more concerned about it. I was also at this stage getting hit and my family started to fall apart. Things started getting better and then at 11 I got bullied at secondry school and hardly made friends I got told I was the ugly sister out of my siblings so then I would hide my lunch in my room and start cutting because no one would say anything nice about me and I thought something was wrong with me. Then one day my mom could smell something in my room and after school she took me to the house and had a go at me and I started to cry she laughed at me and said ill always be ugly Jo matter how much I lose weight. I went into a deep depression at the age of 12 my granddad passed away and my mom was grieving a lot and started drinking she got abusive and started getting angrier everyday and at 13 I started my old habits of throwing food away and cutting myself as I was being bullied more and family friends would laugh about me and always say bad. I started doing a lot in the house being helpful but at the age of 15 I been in charge of keeping the house clean doing washing and making beds I finally got too much work to do and I randomly passed out I was diagnosed with anemia and my appendix was inflamed I went to hospital and they refused to take it out I we in pain and then I started talking to this guy who I fellin love with as you know he changed my life then we would argue all the time . He is now not with me and I am no longer allowed in his life he just thinks nothing of me anymore which hurts as I did love him but now hes moved on. I started college at 16 and met my boy bestfriend I started liking him when I was with my bf with confused me I am now 17 and life is getting abit better now apart from not eating much and hiding food again and a few cutting relapses but I have my two friends here for me and I told my boy bestfriend how I felt and things and he’s said he’s never going to leave me 🙂

I just hope one day it will be completely better and life will be good