ive thought about killing myself for longer than i can remember. the past few years all seem to be terrible and everything goes wrong. im a failure of a person, i have no job, i graduated and haven’t done anything since. i dont have any inspiration to do anything anymore. i’ve been cutting again the past couple of years, and it only escalates, it’s gotten worse instead of getting better.
i found the one person in my life that made me want to live. id spent so long thinking i didnt have a place in the world, that i was meant to die a long time ago, and she finally made me feel like amybe the future wasn’t so bleak. like i wanted to see next year, like i could be alive in ten years, like i could be happy.
but i think she’s done with me. she said last night that she’s done. im just waiting for her to get online again to make my decision. she hasn’t said for sure if we’re over, saying she’s done isn’t the nail in the coffin and im trying to believe that she might not end it for good but it seemed that way.
and if she’s done, i’m done. i can’t do this anymore. i dont want to live anymore, i can barely sit here now and feel any motivtion to do anything. all i can do is research ways to die and wait. i know its wrong to let my life hinge on one person but i have nothing to live for anymore. my family will be fine, i only take up space and use up their money and dont contribute. they’ve already said they hold resentment becuase i dont help out around the house – and i cant blame them, i know i dont. i can’t. i can barely get up some days and i know if i lose this girl, there’s going to be no reason for me to anymore.
i can only hope that i can convince her to stay. i’m holding onto a thread right now and it’s pathetic but that hope is all that’s keeping me alive. i feel so worthless and i know its wrong to put everything on one person but it’s the reality for me, i have nothing to live for. i have no future. i have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, or the next day, i have nothing to look forward to because i know i’ll always wish she would have stayed. i know nobody else will ever make me feel happy, i’ll always have this gnawing feeling.
i don’t know what to do anymore and i’m just sitting here waiting for the time to pass so i can talk to her tonight and make my choice.