So today was a pretty bad day for me. I got sent home from school because I couldn’t stop crying. Well, I told them the reason was because of a bad headache, but in reality I just couldn’t find the strength to get through the day. The thought of walking around and talking to people who I know don’t like me, the thought of simply being somewhere I don’t belong scared me. So I cried. I continued to do so until I got home where I finally slept. But my dreams were simply filled with horrific scenarios which I dare not repeat for thought of them returning.
My boyfriend visited me and I tried to explain what happened but he just kept repeating the words “I just don’t understand”. He has a hard time grasping the idea that I could be upset for no particular reason other than I’m just having a bad day and I just feel so immensely sad.
I don’t know why today was so horrific, because indeed I have not commented upon the truly dark nature of what I was feeling for fear of my subconscious conjuring even worse thoughts and feelings. It was truly horrid and it terrifies me. To the point where I didn’t know whether it was going to stop. The only thing I could was sit through it and be consumed by the pain this feeling was causing. It was emptiness, darkness and a promise of loneliness to come.
I am scared and I don’t know what to do as this awful feeling continues to course through me. I await its subsidence but I am beginning to think that that day will never come. For what hope is there when I cannot be completely open with anyone? Not even my own family or boyfriend?
Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this