Well, if anyone cares, here it is:
When I was in 5th grade (age 10), my father was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months. During these 6 months, my mother drank every night. Because she didn’t take care of me or my siblings, I attempted to take care of them to the best of my ability. Needless to say, I failed miserably. We also didn’t go to church at all during these 6 months, because our mother didn’t take us. When my dad got back, I got in trouble for not raising my siblings correctly and not taking them to church (this, in my opinion, was not my fault because I am unable to drive and our church was an hour away).
Things in the family started going downhill since then; Mom and Dad started fighting, my brother and sister told me to kill myself repeatedly, and I started harming myself. I’m not proud. I screwed over my family and left them to deal with it while I pitied myself. I was an attention whore, trying to get people to notice me (not by talking about self-harm).
Every one hated me my 7th grade year. My family was held together by a few strings. My friends all left me. My family realized I am a disappointment.
My 8th grade year, I fell apart and started cutting. I contemplated killing myself on a daily basis. I tried repeatedly to run away, but was too much of a coward to follow through with it. Another year of intense self-pity for me.
My freshman year of high school, my mom left for eight months. Dad found out that I had cut myself a few weeks after I had first tried to stop. I got pretty close to him for a while. He was the only reason I didn’t kill myself for a long time. I now realize that my dad is still incredibly disappointed in me.
Years went by, things fluctuated between getting better and getting worse, and here I am now. I don’t really know what to do. I am screwing everything up, and have been my whole life, as you can see. I heard the best advice I have ever heard my whole life in a song today:
“It’s not about forcing happiness; It’s about not letting the sadness win.” -“Local Man Ruins Everything” by The Wonder Years