all i cannot say

all i cannot say i pour out here even tho it feels so painful in a way. i was told to practice self-compassion and i cant. i cant believe anyone cares. the ones who do are the outsiders. everyone else – nope. ive been dealing with really bad depression and isolation. it is hard not to beat yourself up. my heart just had a huge jolt from noise, for me, noise brings up the past. i wonder how much longer i can bare this. my online friend said if i end my life i dont go to a better place and am still “me” and that i have to come back for 500 more lives or something like that according to his teacher. i find anything overwhelming, from leaving my place to trying to get groceries in the fricking rain with no car to making a phone call i feel completely alone. the voices at night are vicious. i didnt sleep until 6am. i am being preyed on by satanic forces and by my father’s unending voice. i am confused by everything. all i see in any direction is hell. i hope i can at least move from here and am waiting for something to come so i can try and apply. i cant live around this man anymore. he’ll never die, i’ll never get any restitution, and life is too much horrible work. i fell for someone online who didnt want me and still write them. i dont know why i do. loneliness. in a world of stink and piss where no one cares, it is all loneliness. eating food is hard, too. it all is. i finally let go of the church and the rest is…letting go of…what exactly. pain.