This is the crap in my head. It will probably never go out to anyone but maybe if I post it here it will help me.
I cheated on my boyfriend with my supervisor. After being with him for 10 years and begging him for marriage and kids, after he broke up with me twice I cheated on him. Through the years everytime I felt neglected or ignored i’d get depressed and flirt with guys around me. I never actually liked, was attracted to or gave a shit about these people but the attention was like a drug a quick hit to make me feel better. I didnt know I had to do that myself. I had to make myself feel better because no one could force me to feel better. I was depressed but didnt know it. The flirting was a way to stop feeling depressed. The guy I ended up actually having sex with I didnt even like when I met him. When he flirted with me it was a boost to my non existent self esteem but because I didnt believe in me it did nothing buy boost me for a short amount of time. I confessed 3 months later to not just what I did but to everything, all the flirting and attention grabbing. I compound iy now because I think I am scum. My confession was 2.5 years ago and instead of time healing it just made me better at hiding what I actually feel inside. I hate myself, truly hate myself. Anytime I hear of something wrong morally somrone else did I tell myself I am probably capable of that too. It makes me feel worse and worse everyday. Death feels like the ultimate peace. I feel I am a burden to everyone. My brother, my ex, my parents, my friends, everyone. People like me when they meet me buy inside I feel empty and like a lie.
My mother was just diagnosed with cancer. She survived it 15 years ago but now its back. If I lose her I lose my last reason to be here. My brother and father will be fine without me, she is the only one I know I will truly hurt if I end my life so I keep living for her. The day she is no longer here is the day I have no more reason to live.
The thought of it seems incredible selfish to me and yet I do not care, all I want is peace. All I want is a happy life. I dont know what that is anymore.