Alone, Lost, Useless

So yeah, my title about says it. Here’s a little about me. I’m a 21 year old male that’s completely lost my drive. I have no hope. I have nobody. The two surrogate parents I had died within two days of each other. I have around 40% mobility and strength in my hands due to sindactilysm (look it up), so I’ve been laid off from every job I’ve landed due to being so damned slow compared to other employees. It’s not bad enough for disability. I lost my home already and I live in a parking lot trailer, temporary courtesy of a church that took pity on me.

I’ve lost all will to live, and suicide would be extremely easy for me. There are plenty of bridges, etc. I won’t go into specific methods since that’s against the rules. I’m so pathetic and alone now that my paternal instinct towards some abused girl in another state I’ll never meet has become my top priority and drive to keep going. To adopt this person, have my own makeshift family and make the two of us happy. I’m THAT pathetic now. The one good thing I have to say about myself is I have a heart of gold, and if life were so simple as to sacrifice an arm to save somebody I love, I’d do it. Other than that, I’m fucking useless. I can’t hold a job. I can’t make friends. I’ve tried for the past three years since high school ended to make friends. I haven’t made a single one. My last nickname at work was “Lil Autism” because my panic attacks were so bad I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had to push myself way beyond my limits to keep up with other employees, and that triggered them.

I’ll go a little into my past. I was born and raised in a Christian environment. I don’t believe in God or the supernatural, hence I’m the black sheep of my family. An outcast. I’m looked at as some disgusting creature that worships Satan. I was brutally bullied at this school and never fought back because if I did, I’d be beaten at home for fighting. I settled for being grounded as a little kid after getting beaten for “being too cowardly to fight back.” Fuck you dad, I hate you. A special father’s day gift to you, from me. After years of this hell I transferred to Britan Elementary school. I started an extremely depressing downhill slope there. I was horrifically bullied, jumped, beaten, mocked, and cast aside as the worst scum of the earth. I only tried to help people. I never put them down. Yet I still managed to get a terrible reputation. I’m not even ugly! I’m not angry. I’m not anything negative, and I don’t understand why this shit keeps happening to me. People say I look like Kurt Cobain or some shit. Off topic though. So I ended up expelled in 8th grade because I brought a knife to school and kept in my backpack to defend myself from the blood wannabes. I was thrown into continuation school with them and was jumped on graduation day. My father wanted to disown me and didn’t speak to me for years. I confined myself in my room until high school.

Freshman year of highschool was the worst year of my life. Essentially Britan Elementary on steroids, regarding bullies and beatings. People were throwing rocks at my head for God’s sake! I earned the nickname “Serial Killer” there for my bright blue ****** ass eyes. Sophomore year I snapped. I began to fight back. People didn’t know this 135 lb 5″8 kid could bench 315 and had one hell of a powerful punch (modern day my condition’s deteriorated to the point where I can’t maintain light work). People didn’t know I could actually fight. I bloody earned my nickname that year, and bullies stopped fucking with me from that point on. Instead of my life turning around, my parents divorced after a particularly nasty fight. I refused to come home out of fear, so I caused the divorce. So I live with family friends and ultimately my mother and I ended up staying with one of her friends after we left my dad’s house.

Timeskip, since this is too long and I type at around 60wpm, so I lose track of these things. My “alternate parents” die. One from suicide, the other from an advanced form or Parkinson’s disease. I can’t hold a job. I move to Phoenix for a year to work, miss my family, move back, get rejected by everybody, lost my jobs, and now I’m here. I have no friends, still, and fuck my life. My depression has always been terrible. I’ve wanted to die from around eight years old. It’s worse now than ever and I can’t find a reason to keep going. Rant over.