I’ve been battling depression for 1 year 3 months and 12 days now. Ridiculous as it sounds I lost my virginity, and it… broke me. To you guys who have casual sex with your girl/boy friend, I carry no judgment on you guys. But my purity was everything to me. And I have destroyed it with 93 hook ups in the past year.
Losing my virginity made me feel hopeless, and I got depressed and suicidal on 3 accounts. I’m happy to say I have been free of depression for a little over 3 months now (woo-woo!). I’m proud of myself for making it this long, but… I’m starting to hook up again. Feel stuck… hopeless.
I’m trapped in a loop. I’m screaming inside to wake up, like I’m heading into a nightmare. What I’m doing, hooking up, doesn’t help me fight it. The opposite really. I see myself where I could be socially, emotionally, spiritually, like it’s being played out in front of me. But there’s this wall. I keep pounding on it but it won’t break. The cycle is coming back. I’m going to keep hooking up, feel the pain, and numb it any possible way, booze, speed, more sex. Anything to stop this f#cking pain.
What’s wrong with me guys? Why can’t I… just stop?