Bad, but better than yesterday.

I was doing so well for a while, it had been over 3 months since I had dangerous suicidal ideology. I mean I think it is normal to think of it from time to time but to feel like you are truly plotting it out and very close to action is another thing. I am still bad today. Deep depression, suicidal ideology, but I am not close like I was last night. I did speak with my doctor and I admitted to thoughts of suicide, but I didn’t tell him how close I was to taking steps. I am afraid of going to the hospital. I am so behind on work, that if I go away, it will only make my life worse. It is better to try and cope. Even though it is really hard. He has suggested the hospital a few times now. I have always pulled through though. I need to let this pass. It just hurts so much. At least I am telling my doctor. It isn’t for attention. I am just trying to do the right thing for me and talk about it. Maybe if I keep talking about it, I won’t go through with it.