I’m generally bored and disgusted with life. I don’t like the way that I live (which I could change, but not much within grasp), and the way others live (which I admittedly have no right to change), in constant monotony. I’ve known I was going to kill myself for a couple years now, but finally took some initiative in January. I took a few milligrams of Xanax, got in a bath, and tried to cut my wrists and neck. Needless to say, it didn’t work, and I was sent to the hospital for a week, on self-harm watch. Worst week of my life, I had never wanted to kill myself more than in there. All (but two guys that I talked about books and television with) of the workers were ridiculous, and the 24/7 positive reinforcement made me flip shit a couple times, it was all too fake. Plus, not going outside for a week is just torture (humans were not created to be kept between four walls at all times). Anyway, so the experience there was too much for me, I knew I was going to commit suicide this summer.
Life hasn’t actually been too bad this week, but I knew it was going to get worse. So I set up a date to ‘off myself’. I decided it would be this past Friday, June 12th, 2015, by running a hose from my exhaust to the window in a field. I still had some mescaline left over so I decided to take that about noon, thinking I’d go at about 12-1 am. I was still tripping too heavily to drive at that point, and had tickets to a concert Saturday, so I decided I’d wait until the next day.
Directly after the concert, I drove to get some fast food (which I hardly ever eat) and then to the field I had in mind, I sat there, playing music, and eating (I was high again, but on edibles this time). I finally got out of the car, set everything up, and then got back in my car. I sat there for about an hour and fifteen minutes, hose in my mouth trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. It drove me mad every time I checked my watch. I eventually got back out, put the hose in my trunk, pissed, and drove home. I was too tired and angry to try anything else that night (Saturday, June 13, 2015).
Now I just don’t know where to go from here. I still want to die even more so than before, yet I feel like even more of a failure for not dying both times. Honestly don’t know why I’m sharing this, but just thought you guys could say something ( don’t know what. Anything really.)
P.S. My first time posting, don’t know if I did it right…
8 comments
Sounds to me like there is some reason that these attempts have failed. Maybe in some small way it’s so that you can help someone else. I have felt like that for many years (22 to be exact). Now the sad thing about it is if I attempted it , people would say I’m copying my litter sister. When in all actuality , I have been attempting since she was about 2 . It bothers me that she was successful. That makes me feel even more like a failure. So think about it, is there even just one person that is looking up to you. Or relies on you. Maybe just maybe that’s why. They need you so therefore its( not to sound Cleashia) not your time…..
No one depends on me as far as I can see. Possibly my parents for affection, but other than that, I see no purpose in my living.
If you’re bored with life to the extent that you’re willing to kill yourself, why not do something interesting? Sell everything you own and see how far you can make it with a backpack or buy a bunch of ice cream from Baskin&Robins I don’t know.
Should’ve mentioned I am under 18, so it’s kinda difficult to do anything rash like that. Just drop everything stuff is nearly impossible… I can’t think of anything really interesting (at least in my terms, that I can think of).
Is that like, the serial killer? Sam I am? Sick
You mean David Berkowitz? Haha, I was talking about the author, Bukowski.
You don’t drive a Toyota Prius, do you? Those electric hybrids won’t kill you.
Modern cars run pretty clean. I don’t think that carbon monoxide poisoning is a good method if your car has a catalytic converter. Sorry man, I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Good luck, I guess.
Lol nah, I don’t have a Prius. It was a 2002 Honda Accord, so that would have a catalytic converter, unfortunately. Still thought it would work though :/