I hate myself and I hate my life.
Yes, I know my life could be worse and I have so much to be thankful for. I just wish someone understood how I feel. I just wish I had someone to talk to that didn’t look at me as a whiny ungrateful young woman.
While I have a long list of unfortunate events in my life, the most bothersome is “The Other Woman.” Her name is Natalie, she was a friend of mine who was in my life for a short amount of time that has branded and mutilated my mind forever. This woman is an awful person. I wish I had the time to explain how truly awful she is, but just imagine the worst possible.
I have tried to move on in my life and grow as a person, but I continue to fall back into this miserable place. I see how happy she is on social media sites, how many people seem to adore her and are blind to her ugliness. She has moved on in her life without a care that she ruined another’s life.
My my husband does a great job at trying to rebuild my trust, and I have forgiven him. But forgiveness does not heal the wounds. I compare myself to her and I will never be as beautiful as she is. I will never be as outgoing as she is or as creative. I feel like she is showered with love, when I am dying in self hate.
As I mentioned above this is only one thing that aids my depression. I have tried therapists but have never felt understood. I feel like it’s hard to verbalized how I feel. I think about killing myself almost every day. I think about how I would do it. I imagine who would miss me and what it would be like to be free of pain.
I hate living and I hate myself.