I had no idea there were places were I could write about the possibility of killing my self.
I am just tired of life. I have struggled my entire life to try and find meaning and direction and a path for me to follow but I have never been successful.
I suppose I have done a few things, had a few jobs, bought a couple of houses, had a few relationships and so on, like most people, but I have felt empty pretty much my whole life.
I just don’t and cannot see the reason to be alive. I use the usual distractions that I guess most people use, like friends, vacations, work, and so on to keep my mind off death, but I always return to it. I don’t think a day has gone by in 30 years when I have not thought that I would like to be dead.
I cannot say there is a real reason to feel that way beyond the entirely empty feeling I have always had inside.
I mean, I play the games that everyone else plays, smiling at people, laughing and what not, but I have always felt like I am role playing. And now, I am just tired of it. Tired. That’s it.
I was on anti-depressants; however, they made me so physically ill I just couldn’t take it. The headaches, dizziness and nausea were really awful. I would’ve kept taking them, because they made me feel detached and indifferent to everything, but that’s a bit of a step up from always thinking about ways to kill myself.
Well, it’s nearly 4 am and I am finally feeling like I could sleep. I love sleeping. I black out and forget the world. I think that’s all that death is. I must find some way out. I hear Switzerland has clinics. I think I’ll check that out.
9 comments
thx 4 reminding me of this. u r lucky u can sleep. i hqvent been able to sleep naturally without psychiatric drug for over two years, ive had a sore thraot for over 2 years and non stop tinnitus, not to mention receding hairline, im a woman with a very ugly, long witchlike face and receding just makes it longer, now its greying. i am disbaled and only get a small ammount that isnt enough to live and eat the right way. i like the idea of a professional doing it so that i dont fail versus me surviving and being at the mercy seat of other people for the rest of my life cause fhey deem me unsafe to be left alone, ie group home. to hell with usa and its sucide and pro lifers. some people just are miserable, give us a pill for a forever sleep. i hope u suceed.
I used to think it was horrible to keep thinking about suicide. I don’t anymore. I think it’s ok to be thinking about death. No big deal really. Maybe it helps me appreciate living? Maybe it helps me keep in touch with the impermanence and shortness of this life. Because…everything changes and everything dies. That’s just how it is.
Later. I’m too sleepy now. Your post did touch me and I want to give it thought. Been there, but still here.
Vedura
I have been doing further reading today. What a surprise to find that there is at least one source, DIGNITAS (you can google it), in Switzerland, where you can legally die, even if you’re a foreigner. You can go there and receive assisted suicide for a fee. I’ve started the paperwork, first by making e-contact and just requesting information.
Apparently, I will also have to become member of the organization. Looks like the cost is about $US240/annually. (I thought the annual fee was hilarious; I mean, joining an organization to die and then not dying so you have to renew your membership? Very funny.)
I think I also have to meet with at least 2 doctors (in Switzerland) who will write that they find me to be in charge of my faculties, able to make the decision, etcetera, and that this decision is the right one for me. I wonder how they will decide that. It would be much easier if I had a terminal illness, extraordinary pain, or confirmed mental illness.
Unfortunately, I have none of those things. I mean, I’ve seen plenty of psychiatrists and therapists and have been on anti-depressants, once, briefly, but I’ve never been given a diagnosis of anything in particular beyond depression presumably caused by lack of serotonin to the brain. Personally, I think I have sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies and borderline personality disorder. I don’t know whether I could or would be diagnosed with these conditions; I haven’t been yet.
Why do I think I want to die? Over the past two years, I have just lost interest in life, really. For close to 30 years I have wondered, nearly daily, what the point is, and think most occupations and pursuits are rather stupid ones. Still, I’ve pursued degrees, jobs, relationships, all the usual trappings of a so-called normal life. Yet, I feel entirely empty, disconnected, uninterested, bored, and tired.
The difference in the last 2 years is that I’m no longer interested in pursuing anything to distract me from my wish to die. I mean, for example, that I don’t care any more about further educational pursuits. I stopped reading about 10 years ago, but have kept up reading things like the Guardian, Economist, and New Yorker. Now, I don’t read these pubs, either. I really couldn’t care less about the world, its supposed suffering, or whether or not we resolve climate change. I don’t care about the world, or the people in it. I don’t care that people suffer. I’m not interested. I don’t care whether my garden grows or not. I didn’t plant a garden this year; I just wasn’t interested. I don’t care whether I look good or bad; well, I guess you get the point.
I have separated and isolated myself from most people. I do technically have a spouse, but we really only share the property and do not speak to each other much. I don’t really see him as part of my decision. I also happen to have a job via the internet so I don’t talk to people in order to work. I have noticed that I have a fast-increasing incapacity to talk to people. I don’t understand social mores any more, either, really. I can barely go in to the grocery store and buy groceries. Thank goodness for self-check out.
Well, that’s it for today.
I’ll keep posting as I correspond with DIGNITAS. It is not an inexpensive process from what I can gather, so if you’re looking for a cheap end, this isn’t it.
Clare,
I have looked into this before. I have long wished there was a way to do this in order to end my suffering. We shouldn’t have to resort to suicide which can be painful, violent, and ineffective. Personally, I DO have confirmed long-standing mental illness that will never go away. At best, it can only be “managed.” When I researched this organization and others like it, I was really never even sure that mental illness would qualify you for this. I do remember that the organization you mentioned accepts foreigners. Most of the are from England. The other problem is that the whole process is really quite expensive. There’s a lot more expense involved than just the $240 to join the organization. It really is a shame that there is much less understanding for people like us than those with terminal illness. So really you either have to do it yourself or live with it. Right now, I am doing the best I can to cope. I hope you can too, and that we can both find some measure of peace.
google peacefull phill
I think he is Australian or some thing & all the suicidal girls think he is hot he in he’s 60 WTF like I say I think betty is hot
I’ve received some correspondence today. I think it is possible to go through with this even if you are not actually physically ill. I have been reading about elderly people as well as people with mental disorders who have been able to use DIGNITAS. It is actually more than $US240 for the fee, and yes, there are other costs involved. It looks like it will cost something less than $US20,000. Fortunately, for me, I have that kind of money. So I am going to go forward and see what I have to do. I’ll track costs and post them here for anyone else that is interested.
The very first step is to go to the website and email DIGNITAS. They send you a response with an application. You do have to print that out and mail it back. It requires your signature. Then they mail you other forms and a bill. That is when you have to start paying. But I’m still only at the firs step where I emailed them, and now have received the forms to fill out to become a member.
Oh, by the way, it is all overseen by medical doctors who prescribe pain medication as well as the killing potion. There is no pain, and there is no suffering. This is a Switzerland approved and legislated non-profit organization that offers assisted suicide (AS). Check it out online, DIGNITAS.