I had no idea there were places were I could write about the possibility of killing my self.
I am just tired of life. I have struggled my entire life to try and find meaning and direction and a path for me to follow but I have never been successful.
I suppose I have done a few things, had a few jobs, bought a couple of houses, had a few relationships and so on, like most people, but I have felt empty pretty much my whole life.
I just don’t and cannot see the reason to be alive. I use the usual distractions that I guess most people use, like friends, vacations, work, and so on to keep my mind off death, but I always return to it. I don’t think a day has gone by in 30 years when I have not thought that I would like to be dead.
I cannot say there is a real reason to feel that way beyond the entirely empty feeling I have always had inside.
I mean, I play the games that everyone else plays, smiling at people, laughing and what not, but I have always felt like I am role playing. And now, I am just tired of it. Tired. That’s it.
I was on anti-depressants; however, they made me so physically ill I just couldn’t take it. The headaches, dizziness and nausea were really awful. I would’ve kept taking them, because they made me feel detached and indifferent to everything, but that’s a bit of a step up from always thinking about ways to kill myself.
Well, it’s nearly 4 am and I am finally feeling like I could sleep. I love sleeping. I black out and forget the world. I think that’s all that death is. I must find some way out. I hear Switzerland has clinics. I think I’ll check that out.