I’m a med student.
I’ve recently started cutting – just yesterday in fact – and it hurts. I’d gone and bought carpet blades and tested it, but the feeling when the blade cuts across kinda makes me cringe. But the aftermath – the little pinprick of pain that follows, is amazing. It’s constantly there, and I can FEEL it.
Does it get better? I want to feel that pain, but the starting part just kinda puts me off. It’s he constant pain that makes it so worth it. I’d woken up this morning and added three more cuts, but like I said, the starting part isn’t that pleasant.
I’d started with slapping myself when I was 12 to slamming my head against the wall at 15. Then it was the throwing up, and NOTHING worked. The depression is still there, and people write it off and ‘wanting attention’ so I just don’t tell them. I don’t know. Maybe it is? I don’t know anymore. Suicide has been on my list, but now I’m turning to cutting for help.
I don’t understand. I’m in med school just like my dad wanted, but I hate it. I have a relatively ok social life, and great friends. I don’t really come off as a depressed person, and I laugh and smile like ‘normal’, and everything feels ok for awhile. Then it comes back. The loneliness and depression. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to feel lie this, because there are other people out there who are really suffering.