I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say, and then I swear I’ll go away.
Let’s see, I want to be a girl, which is still hard for me to wrap my head around, even after explicitly knowing it for two years now, up until that point, I’d started to feel quite weird indeed.
I felt numb/drugged/whatever, sometimes I felt like my brain was the only part of me that was alive, and it felt like it was burning, I was wondering why I always found girls more interesting company, but not ‘interesting’ company, even I find some girls pretty attractive, but when I’m out and I see a girl, I think one of two things:
1. I wonder what she’s like, what she does in her life, how she feels, etc. Weird? Probably…
2. I wish I could be her/be like her.
When I’m getting ready for something, I like to imagine what I’d be wearing if I were a girl, it hurts, I know I shouldn’t do that to myself, I know some people wait a lot longer than I have to transition, I know some people never live long enough to transition because it simply hurts too much, but it hurts to much for me to care, it hurts to much for me to do anything at all.
I barely feel human anymore, I just want to curl up and die sometimes.
I was foolish enough to crush hard on a boy, which got really bad when he got a girlfriend and I still had to work with them (film stuff and all), I even attacked one of my friends over it, ‘regret’ doesn’t quite say it, I hid near a maintenance room for half the day, and I only came out for the last lesson.
Now I avoid this particular boy like the plague because he turned out to be a bit of a dick, either that or I’m still pissed that he has a girlfriend and a job in the film industry now, and I’m… me/it/whatever.
Yes, I’ve told some of my friends, none of them care, they just hugged me and said ‘it gets better’… should I be mad or am I being crazy again? ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT, WHAT. THE. FUCK? They say it’s good to ignore people’s differences, I think it would be better to actually accept them… seriously…
No, I haven’t told my family, it wouldn’t help much, I was hoping to come out the day I moved and not give them my address… that way they couldn’t guilt trip/bully/kill me, I think it’s more me not trusting anyone than them genuinely being like that, good god, I get so paranoid sometimes…
I’m not sure if transitioning will fix anything, I’m not sure if I’ll even get the chance to transition, either way, there’s a special place in hell for me, hopefully it’s among some interesting people 😛