I stopped by my insurance agency and prepared my life insurance policy. My parents had one taken out in my name when I was 16, after my fireworks accident. I talked to my agent and changed the policy into my name (instead of my moms). It’s for 25,000…not much, but it should cover my debt and funeral. I was going to add another 50,000-75,000 but I would have to have an extensive medical record search and that would show my cancer, abdominal tumors, brain tumor, F.A.P, Gardner’s Syndrome, Pseudotumor Cerebri, fireworks accident, severe anxiety, severe depression, bi polar type II disorder, abdominal migraines, etc…I think you get the picture. PLUS I would have to wait 2 years to meet my maker. So, I’m going to have to stick to my original policy. My dad is the 1st beneficiary, and my mom is the 2nd. I took my sister off of it because she is a stuck up ***** who deserves NOTHING. Not even a penny, none of my books (she loves to read), my huge collection of school supplies (she’s a teacher). I have my DNR paperwork signed (do not resuscitate). So if my suicide attempt fails, they cannot intubate me in the ER, no CPR, nothing. They have to let me die. I will have my bracelet on that the EMT’s check, as well as my original copy laying next to me. I still need to talk to a lawyer and set up my will and death wishes. I’m leaving mostly everything to my parents. I know I want my books donated to children who cannot afford them. Along with all my art supplies, school supplies, etc. The rest goes to my parents and my sister is to get nothing. And I’m having my body donated or sold to science. Preferably the U of I. Yes I will have a visitation and a funeral service, but after I want my body to go to science because I’m a medically mystery internally. I want my body to help other patients (which is rare) who have F.A.P and Gardner’s Syndrome. But, I’m not sure what my parents want to do as far as a grave site to visit or whatever. They can use some of my life insurance to buy a headstone and plot if they want to…but my body won’t be there. (Is this what mental professionals talk about with suicide, to watch for people who are giving things away…Making arrangements; setting one’s affairs in order?)
The thing with suicide is that you can’t be emotional and calculating at the same time. If you are emotional and try to meet your maker, you will fail. You can’t calculate a reasonable suicide. When I think and talk about it now a days, I don’t even cry anymore. Yes I am going to commit suicide. I’ve come to terms with this. I’m just getting my ducks in a row now and waiting for the right time.
5 comments
Sorry to hear that it has to end this way. I see how it sucks to be you. You had the strength to carry it this far, but I guess it’s not enough. I don’t know what else to say. Wish you the best. Perhaps you could forgive your sister? after all you are seeing your maker, maybe he or she would be pleased by the last act of kindness? what can you lose?
I can never forgive her. She’s only added to my pain. I can’t even count how many times she’s told me to kill myself. She says things just to hurt me. She always looks down on me. And continues to do so. She picks me apart and makes me feel worthless, like I’m scum. I can never do anything right.
LM, this is one of the saddest posts I’ve ever read. I don’t think any living human can have a clue about the physical pain you’ve endured all your life (and, as it sounds, you’ll continue to endure). I don’t have faith in modern medicine to stop that pain. But I wish to flying fuck that there could be a way for you to beat it mentally. Pardon my Italian.
And in the midst of it all, you’re helping others. Donating your books, your art, your body. Even the insurance policy is for others’ benefit.
I don’t know what to say, if even there was anything you need to hear. I’ve always felt, like you said, the act of suicide should be rational & calculated, free of emotion as much as possible. But whatever… the emotional me is wishing to flying fuck that your life doesn’t have to come to this.
Hrm, I’ve never read a life insurance policy in depth… but… I don’t think they cover suicide generally. Do they? I guess… I’m just saying, make it look like an accident.
FWIW I’ve rather enjoyed your posts and comments recently. Yes, selfish, but I’d like you to stick around here.
Thank you Salt and Cephalus. i really appreciate that. You’ve put a smile on my face, knowing that someone out there cares.