I guess everybody has been in a situation where they didn’t know what to do. I have been in many, too. But this is something only you, people who are going through similar things, can help me with.
This post isn’t going to be about me, but about my aunt. My aunt has lost her son (my cousin) 2 years and 7 months ago if I’m counting correctly. He was only 17 years old at the time and he killed himself one night, somewhat out of the blue. The whole situation and his full reasons are a mystery – he didn’t leave any suicide note, he was too distressed to do that it seems. The circumstances of the night it happened went like this: he borrowed his father’s car that late evening and he and his friends were cruising around the parking lot, all of them slightly tipsy. No-one knows who was behind the wheel, but we have a suspicion that it wasn’t my cousin. They inadvertently crashed the car into a BMW. The owner of the BMW, a 20-something-year-old woman, took my cousin’s ID, yelled at him and demanded money for the car reparation. She was drunk as well. My cousin’s friends have left him, even though he was obviously distressed after what happened. His mother, he and his 3 sisters weren’t exactly solvent and couldn’t afford to give any money away. That night, he ended his life. There were mentions of some other motives he might have for this, but this was what happened prior the incident. His mother hasn’t been the same person ever since. She’s suffering from depression. That’s to be expected and I don’t expect her to ever make a full recovery or anything, it’s just her condition has been turning more severe lately.
She casually speaks of death with my mum and my mum tries to make it into a joke to lighten up the atmosphere, but I don’t think she understands the severity of the situation. Yes, my mum has been through depression, but honestly – I don’t think my aunt’s situation should be taken lightly. I, myself, have been wanting to kill myself – and when such words slipped from my mouth, it was usually a warning sign prior to what I intended to do.
She has stopped crying so much, at least in front of others. She cries in secret instead (sometimes in front of others, too – when it’s too unbearable). She’s trying to put a somewhat strong front, but inside, everybody knows she’s totally devastated. She’s much too angry at my cousin’s friends, her deceased ex-husband and the police and courts for not acting when there was still time (long story). Her only reason for living lies in her three daughters, none of whom really fully appreciate what she’s doing for them. They are growing up, though – I’m afraid what will happen when they are capable of being sustainable. I’m not helping the situation, either. I know that I should talk to her and be appreciative and be thankful for everything she does for me – but I’m at a loss when it comes to supporting people. How to find the right words to say?
How can I help my aunt feel better? What should I do to at least not make it worse?
P.S. I have no clue whether she’s taking any medication now – I know she did in the past, but I’m not sure about now, not even sure whether she still visits the psychologist.
2 comments
Hi swe, that’s a gut wrenching story. It really didn’t have to happen like that, and I’m sure that’s why your aunt is especially torn up about it. Mourning + frustration + guilt = overload.
With me, I alienate myself because I don’t think others can understand me unless they’ve been through the same thing. If your aunt is like that, it would explain why she puts on a strong front and expresses herself only in secret.
What can you do? Hmm, well obviously you don’t have a son who killed himself, but if you can convince her that you’re trying to understand, maybe she’ll open up to you. And I figure that’s a good start for anyone who is suicidal.
About medication… I’m verrrrry much against it, if we’re talking about a “normal” sadness like mourning. If we use drugs to mask our natural emotions, I’m sure that scrambles our brains in the long run. So I hope she’s trying to cope without medication for the time being. What she’s feeling is not irrational. So I think the right way to handle it is to let her emotions come out the way nature intended it (whatever that’s worth). So maybe keep trying to get her to open up, a little bit at a time. That’s what I feel would work with me. But what do I know.
What can you do to not make your aunt feel worse? Just be there for her, text her daily and let her know you care. You don’t need mystical words. Simplicity and regularity is best. I kid you not, one punctual “Good morning lovely” text can make a world of difference (even if it annoys them, calibrate it to the person you know)
I apologize, I don’t have any resounding thoughts on how to “make her feel better”. Only that it seems like you wanting to make her feel a certain way is more for you than for her. My advice would be to try and have fun with her. Your smile, your attempt, will have a positive effect on her. If you are unable to do that, try to bring her a smile through whatever means of communication you have available. Try and remember that when she is at her most idol points. At least for me, that is when danger lies.
Speaking personally, I’m against drugs, for myself. But, hey, I’ve never taken them! I have studied the psychology/pharmacology and it seems sound. Probably, I’m just thick, I won’t ask for help and prefer to brute force everything. That being said, I recognize depression in a lot of cases is simply a chemical imbalance (never underestimate the effect water or sugar can have on a mood!). Generally, it being a sensitive subject, it is not something you can bring up directly. Indirection may be key.
I hope at the very least this tickled a few neurons. I trust your judgment, you probably have an inkling or leaning on what to do already. All I can do is provide my limited perspective.