I wake up lonely and go to bed terrified. Complex ptsd is something nobody understands nor wants to. I hate taking meds and wondering what it will do to me. I am isolated living here yet triggered by the people around me. Lately I feel like I’m going insane. Too much rage and torment, self-blame, for years. Too much. Nobody is here. My therapist hasn’t called back, the clinic hasn’t called back, I feel like a discarded person. I left the church since nobody there cared either. The neighbors help superficially but not for friendship. I made a new friend but an old one I let back in traumatized me with her bs and I have no time for it anymore, but I am not over it yet. Never again, have to remind myself it is not my fault. The losses are so hard to assimilate for me. It is so hard to push past fears anymore after so much for so long that has tormented me and slammed me into place. I want to sleep and yet when I wake up am scared someone will bang on the door. I am waiting for a new neighbor to move in and that’s hell too. It all is. Too much hell. The scary voices and flashbacks are making my life a living hell and soon I am going to choose to move on. I am trapped by life. Money is everything. Nobody should have to do this in such a cold world where nobody cares about you. Online people are real but not real. I can’t take anymore of the pain. I never wanted to feel like a coward, but I can’t stand the suppressed rage dark thoughts and all of the above anymore, waiting for nothing, hating myself, wishing I could have what they have. Life should not be hell. One should not pray for two years while demons torture you and have God do nothing. The life is gone from me. I don’t see a future. It’s a slow death. I envy those with a fast one. I just want to go home.
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Hi Silvermoon,
It takes much energy for me to encourage people on here so I don’t do this often. But you’ve helped me and thus id like to do the same. You are beautiful. You can keep fighting. We have collective strength together in solidarity and unity when we both agree to never give up. Don’t give up on me and most importantly don’t give up on yourself, okay? I love you and this life is so full of pain, but it has its bright moments. We’re here for a reason and we ain’t going home til our time comes, understand me? *hug* I’m here. 🙂 Keep breathing. One breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. That’s it, that’s all.
I love you too Raymond that meant so much to me today, thank you. I actually have never stolen food but frankly I think when one is desperate one deserves to feed themselves, can’t stand to think of you or anyone being hungry. Just can’t. I’ve been hungry as well it sucks. I hope you are eating ok. This life is some shit. I am trying to see the good. I sat outside in my little chair today and a chipmunk ran towards me, very funny. I’m trying to remember Jesus loves me b/c I do believe there is a God despite all my rage at so much pain. Feel like a battering ram for that, can barely look people in the eye sometimes, all I see there is too much to take in. It’s hard. *hugs* please stay safe out there. You’re so right one minute at a time, you are so smart and articulate, don’t forget it!
“I just want to go home.” It surprised me to read that. I’ve always said that when feeling completely alone. It’s strange all I’ve ever wanted to do was go home. I don’t even know where that is anymore. I hope you’re okay, I hope you found your home and that you’re safe in it. Maybe one day, in this life or the next, I’ll find my home too.