I wake up lonely and go to bed terrified. Complex ptsd is something nobody understands nor wants to. I hate taking meds and wondering what it will do to me. I am isolated living here yet triggered by the people around me. Lately I feel like I’m going insane. Too much rage and torment, self-blame, for years. Too much. Nobody is here. My therapist hasn’t called back, the clinic hasn’t called back, I feel like a discarded person. I left the church since nobody there cared either. The neighbors help superficially but not for friendship. I made a new friend but an old one I let back in traumatized me with her bs and I have no time for it anymore, but I am not over it yet. Never again, have to remind myself it is not my fault. The losses are so hard to assimilate for me. It is so hard to push past fears anymore after so much for so long that has tormented me and slammed me into place. I want to sleep and yet when I wake up am scared someone will bang on the door. I am waiting for a new neighbor to move in and that’s hell too. It all is. Too much hell. The scary voices and flashbacks are making my life a living hell and soon I am going to choose to move on. I am trapped by life. Money is everything. Nobody should have to do this in such a cold world where nobody cares about you. Online people are real but not real. I can’t take anymore of the pain. I never wanted to feel like a coward, but I can’t stand the suppressed rage dark thoughts and all of the above anymore, waiting for nothing, hating myself, wishing I could have what they have. Life should not be hell. One should not pray for two years while demons torture you and have God do nothing. The life is gone from me. I don’t see a future. It’s a slow death. I envy those with a fast one. I just want to go home.