I’ve just realised how vague my previous post was, which may delay the process in receiving some form of helpful reply.
Ill try to put into words this feeling.
I can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do or how I look. The phrase “no-once cares unless you’re pretty or dying” comes to mind. Of which only one applies to me, and I can certainly say that my appearance has had no positive impact on my life. I feel empty but at the same time I feel nothing, so really the question is – do I really feel anything at all? Am I forcing myself too because it’s easier than admitting I’m exactly how so many people perceive me to be; heartless? I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want to know. I feel like I’m helpless. I can’t tell anyone and even if I could; I don’t want a counsellor or medication. I don’t want to admit to needing that. I feel like there is nothing but blackness for me ahead of today. I’ve just finished my AS Level exams and now I’m waiting for my results. But honestly I don’t know if I care. I remember having the motivation to do well. It’s dissipated fast. There is nothing for me ahead of next year. Really there is nothing for me tomorrow. But that’s quite pessimistic in itself. Then again, aren’t we all pessimistic about our future?
Anyway.. This feeling. It’s extremely hard to dear one please understand this and bear with me. It’s like I’ve fallen down so many times, and one too many now because I can’t get back up. It’s like I’m constantly waiting for something to give me purpose because honestly I don’t believe anyone is here without reason (and no,I am in no way religious, I have certain faiths and beliefs but I don’t kno w what in). However I feel as though although everyone else has a purpose; I do not. I have no traits that make me stand out. I’m an average girl. Nothing makes me stand out and for that reason I am lost in a sea of averageness. I am nothing and although I accept that, it’s hard to see everyone else be something at the same time.
There are so many ways of trying to make people understand but I think that unless someone is going through the exact same thing, it’s hard to understand fully. I think that is why I find it so hard to describe now; I don’t believe that someone else is in the same circumstances.