I do not know what I want to say.. but help? advice? tips? anything?

So, I just started a new job… I took it for several reasons:
a) I earn 300 euro more compared to before and could depending on my performance boost this with another 60% of my total salary… But this is just money. I hate it.
b) Maybe it is the same as the above as I am currently in dept more or less… because of the drugs. I actually took the job (partly) so that I could support this lifestyle, while thinking I would be able to make my life more stable with a 9 till 5 job rather then one in which my hours fluctuate every week.
c) Not to see the faces that were around me while I was depressed. To not know anyone.

But things changed between me signing the contract and the actual starting date…. I hate so far my Dutch colleagues. Not because of them but simply because I see what I was once… confident. Then there is a Belgium guy… all I want to ask him is if he knows “bram vermaessen”… Ill tell about Bram… he is a Belgium guy who dated my girlfriend, while we were together (if you read my posts then you would know this is not a surprise). I had a chance to meet him but in the end I did not. Why? Because I would had spitted him in the face. But in the end this feeling ended and I was happy that things were okay with me and my girlfriend…

Now, last week… I was working until late at my new job because we had a product training. Because of this I was not able to go to a concert. In the end I would had been able to go halfway but I thought ill just go home and see my girlfriend when it ends… Now comes to spook. Let’s just say that I have come to accept the aggression inside of me. I do not aim it at anyone but me, so no one can judge me. But I would aim it and I mean all of it at the person that angers me. This means that if I am angry I do not care about location or who is around me. But sometimes the places in which I could get angry surprises me.. I have gone to the toilet at work to hit myself in the head. To do this, it is relaxing… So spook was that she told me she had a date to the concert that we would had gone together. And if I had gone straight to the concert after my work then I would had been able to see “this”. I cannot keep wishing that I had done so… and that I had attacked him.. I could just imagine this scene…

This was all just before the first time that I was happy about the weekend and looking forward to it. I have not been able to have this feeling for a long time.. I have taken quite a lot of drugs this weekend. Saturday I still went to swim with her.. as we had planned. But in the end I only had energy and the mood to sit in the sun and lay there, it was rather nice as it made me tired to be in the sun and I love to sleep.. it is one of the few pleasures. Yet, sometimes it is a nightmare… the day before she had her date I had a dream. She was at that time sleeping next to me and I was for the first time since months able to sleep before midnight. Actually it was 10PM… that we went to sleep while I normally do this at about 3-8AM.

The nightmare was about her, someone else and me… it was in the beginning about just us.. but somehow someone else appeared in it. And I saw everything that I did with her, being done by her and this person… This was the day before she told me she had a date… When I woke up from the nightmare I was not sure whether I was still sleeping or that I had woken up. I remember poking her softly to see that I was awake. Maybe I fell back asleep or I was never awake… when I poked her the first time. But I remember checking that she is there several times.

She is not sorry that she had the date. She feels because we had an “arrangement” that it is fine. She likes to find the limits, I think… our “arrangement” is that we can have dates but do nothing with that person until after the 4th… We made this arrangement after an attempt to stay together. She was pushing me away, until this moment. After this it was nice, it got better… I actually enjoyed the new job for a short period. It was all part of that things had gotten better. Now everything is part of the same shit that everything else was in… I really wonder why everything has got to be tainted by her? WHY does she has to make every memory that I have into something negative?

I had dates.. I hated them… every minute, I think of my girlfriend… I asked her if she thinks of me during her dates… She said no… I should accept something soon… i do not what… and for now.. I do not know what else to write…somehow I am sad that I did not go to the church where the concert was… I really am sad about this. It would had been a fucking great way to end this all… She would had been able to see the way she had changed me…