I don’t know what is going on with me

I don’t know if is worth being alive because of two things:

1) Mi career has pushed me away from what I wish the most… Someone to love, take care of and make a family with. Grow together, look up for our kids and love them forever.

2) The only person that saw the good in me is no longer here. She left me for someone else. She stopped believing in me. In 24 years no one dared to see in the deepest part of me and love me unconditionally. She wasn’t able to understand the illness that haunted me before she came in. With her I could be myself, there was no need to pretend on being someone else. With the rest of them I had to pretend on being what they desired.

There is no point on continuing my career if the reason why I do it then no longer exists. There is no point on being alive if I lost my passion. Who want’s a Dr. that doesn’t care anymore for others?  I feel very empty inside. The pain that I feel is no longer making life pleasant and there is only one way to end with this suffering.

I’m sad about my parents and my friends that will mourn me, but I wish they could understand that I can’t live this way anymore. I have their love and support, but the truth is that they have their own lives that they will end up living regardless of my decisions! Meanwhile I will be here living a life of loneliness, emptiness and sadness.

Why nobody can see what is inside of me? Mi effort and sacrifice to become a better person? I’m tired of all this sacrifice. I’m tired of all this work. I’m tired of being only “the friend” or “too good for me”. Everyone says: “You are very smart and good person!”, “you are definitely a catch” but everyone runs away when I honestly “love them”. Then all of their words become empty, hypocrite. Those words have made me abandon faith in humanity. I’m tired of “I really like you, but  not for me” and most definitely of ” I’m sure someone will come”.. Dying seems like an alternative now since my motivation does not exist and will not come. I don’t deserve it, I will die alone.

Living is just stupid and it has no sense. My parents are not forever. My sister and my friends will find a way through their lives and I will be alone. Why to spend humanity resources for the next years if living is not a pleasure? If I can’t live and be myself? If I have to live a life o pretentiousness to please a society that I don’t give a fuck about? They have never done anything for me, they have only hurt me and rejected me.

I don’t want to live, it’s just too heavy on my back. I have no choice. Neither medication to deal with my depression, because there is a chance that I would even get more courage to commit suicide. That runs in my family anyways. There is nothing left for the world but to deal with my death and continue with their lives… as EVERYONE has decided to do it. My life is not worthy. The world will be fine without me anyways.