I am 16 and I am introverted, I have social anxiety and I’m suicidal. Just this month I tried to kill myself two times, and in one of them I almost succeed. I had no friends and now I am giving all of me to make some, but at the end of the school year I feel even more alone than before. I am exhaust, sick of everything and alone.
They only invite me if I am around them when they speak about getting out, otherwise I am totally invisible. I am annoying, boring, and nobody is happy with me around them, some times I feel that nobody likes to be with me. They all have that friend with they love to be with, or that friend that they trust their secrets and here I am, being nothing more than I a body.
I have a best friend (I am not his) and he is helping me with this of suicide and that, but sometimes I just start fighting with him because I get jealous of him, and I push our friendship because I want to be his best friend, and travel with him. And then I realize the error I made I just start to hate me even more, and get even more suicidal. He says is no problem, but I feel that I am pushing him away, and this is destroying me inside, it is making me feel even more alone. I am so focused in somethings that I forget others, my best friend is always helping me and saying me what I did wrong and I should do … But then I try and I just can’t, I always screw up everything, and that makes me even more suicidal. (Not to speak about professors/parents pressure )
Sometimes I feel so alone that I start crying, even at school some times is really hard not to cry. I see everybody happy and with their groups and I am there, not fitting anywhere. I just hate myself for being this way, always with problems, a terrible friend, annoying, boring and that nobody like to be around. Yesterday I tried to kill myself and I almost succeed, I want to life but I don’t want to live like this, I just don’t know what to do.
Maybe I need a break, but at the end, life don’t stops for everyone …
ps: sorry for errors, English is not my first language