I just want to feel.

I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I feel like I drown my sorrows in medial mindless activity just to by because I just can’t bring myself to do anything different. I’m so scared of  what would happen if I broke the norm that I am afraid to go against it, just blending in to wherever I happen to be. I constantly destroy every relationship because I’m so overwhelmed in trying to give them everything they want that I eventually push them away. I just feel like I don’t know how to socialize and am constantly depressed whenever I go out just wanting to be home and in front of my computer where no one knows the real me. I can be a shell of who I am and feel accepted. I spend every day wondering if I should just end it and how much better life would be but I can’t bring myself to do that to my family because I care too much. It feels like every person I ever want to be with just decides “they don’t like me like that” or “you’re like a brother to me”. I can’t live in the moment and am too obsessed with what comes next to the point where I miss so many small meaningful things that could make life that much more… No one I talk to understands, even my psychiatrist. I just need help……