I regret it completely.
I tried talking to my school counsellor, and another lecturer whom I hoped could trust with this problem. I just felt so hopeless that I thought that perhaps telling someone would lessen it (I don’t know, it was a moment of weakness).
Not only did that lecturer betray confidentiality – she told the counsellor that I wanted to commit suicide (which it do not) – and according to protocol she may have to report me. I couldn’t believe it. You can’t trust anyone, no matter what they swear or promise.
It was awful. The counsellor indirectly blamed me for her not being able to allow her son to rest in, and told me off (saying that I should have made an appointment and not have dropped in like this). All in all, I feel worse now compared it before. I feel like that meeting just pushed me to want to hurt more, and I can’t express how worthless and insignificant my counsellor made me feel.
I felt like nothing mattered and that all I was doing was for attention. I felt so cornered and threatened that I just wanted to run away. She didn’t let me.
I barely managed to escape. I had to pretend to agree to think about things and I managed to convince her that I’d stop cutting (I gave up the blade on the spot). I really feel horrible right now, and the only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that I still have 4 more blades in my room.
I feel worse than before.
I though talking about things would help.
It didn’t. I will probably cut deeper tonight.
5 comments
This is a good lesson of how people are. You will never know what they will do under different circumstances. So be cautious who to trust. Promises means nothing, it can even be used to fool you. Also be careful of things that you sign your name.
If you want to talk to someone, better do it anonymously by internet or call a hotline.
I suppose I just wasn’t thinking straight huh. I tend to do stupid stuff like this whenever the desperations hits rock bottom. I’ll know better know.
Hey man, first thing first, dont blaim yourself for how your lecturer and councillor reacted, that was a failure on their part not yours, they are people in a position of guidance and help, it is literally part of their job to help students who come to them for help. they are the ones who screwed up, not you. depression dosnt fit neatly into an hour slot you can pencil in for the middle of next week for the convienince of this supposed “counillor”. you cant take the blaim for this, you did nothing wrong, reaching out for help is an incredibly hard thing to do, its not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. If i may make a suggestion? get rid of this useless bollox of a councilor and find a new one, someone who got into the profession to help people not for the money, which, as far as i can see is the only reason the councilor you have now is in the job. You have shown the strength to reach out for help, please dont let that go to waste, find someone who can understand your pain and can help you deal with it. you may have to search for a while but the proper person to help you is out there. we all react differently with different people, you will find the one who clicks and can help you make the breakthroughs you need to make. and you also have a sight full of people who will help you on the way. you have shown alot of courage asking for help, dont let it be in vain because the wrong person heard you. you can get through this.
Peace&Love,
P.
Hey thanks for listening. I’ve hidden all of my blades and I’m thinking of getting more before I get a ban from leaving uni campus (idk if that’s possible, but the people in this country overreact to things a lot)
I wish I was back in Australia. The level of acceptance here is ridiculous, and you get labelled as ‘suicidal’or ‘crazy’ when you come out like this. Hell, my lecturer immediately assumed I was depressed at the sight of the scars. She just jumped up and HUGGED me. Jesus, the feeling was downright horrible – she was hugging and grabbing at my wrist and freaking out so bad and crowding into my space I immediately wanted to bolt from the room.
She kept going on and on about how she understood and how precious life is.
I don’t know. I’m supposed to be mature and understanding (I’m a friggin adult fro Christ’s sake) but I really wanted to slap her.
@lulereign. prehaps you dont need more blades, cutting can become nothing but an addiction, sure in the short term it may be beneficial but your going to look at all the scars one day and hate yourself for having them. i believe college/uni is when most mental issues come to the forefront, i know for me thats when i got worse than ever, hypomanic one minute, suicidal two minutes later and drunk most of the time. it can be a struggle i know for me the only thing i could do was drop out (i was too stupid to look for profesional help)
but now your in the process of getting profesional help (something i hope you continue to search for) you can confront your issues, look at it this way, the further depressed you become the closer you are to the bottom, the closer you are to the bottom and leveling out the sooner you can start rebuilding yourself.
Im going to guess America, possibly England?
Haha yeah that reaction would scare anyone, but you have to realise she was trying to be supportive and caring, its not her fault she was bad at it. at least you didnt slap her tho, that might not have been the best reaction to someone trying to help!