Now I’m the one who wants to do the abandoning. Partly because this way, I’ll have nothing that keeps me from ending it all anymore. Seems counterproductive, doesn’t it? After all, when we’re at our worst, we benefit from remembering the things that motivate us to stay alive. It’s not like that for me. My relationship with my girlfriend, the few friendships I entertain, the big projects I have organized for the second half of this year… They don’t seem like reasons to wake up in the morning, but like handcuffs that keep me tied to this life I don’t want.
I don’t know if it’s depression or if everything has truly gone to shit. My girlfriend barely talks to me. I used to be clingy about it, but now I don’t see the purpose in pursuing her anymore, since no matter what I text her, I get two word answers back. Thinking about us together, happy… it makes me feel bitter. Everytime I see her have fun with friends on social media, I feel empty inside. I already cut contact with most of my friends; the one who matters the most to me, maybe the most important person in my life, is dealing with so much trouble that I haven’t heard from her in a long while. I don’t even know if she’s still alive. She might as well have been the first of us to kill herself, and we both always knew that if one of us went all the way, the other would follow. At least that’s how I thought and still think. In a completely non-romantic way, she is my soulmate; but I feel like she is slowly forgetting about me in return. And that’s fine. If she’s still out there being strong, realizing she’s better off without me – that just makes it all the easier for me.
See, I’m terrified of losing my girlfriend, of losing my best friend, of losing the few things I still have. At the same time, maybe I should just face the fear. Break up. Deal with the fact that my best friend is somehow somewhere I can’t reach her. Then stop googling countless buzzwords on suicide and just go through with it.
I’m just scared of that moment of death, but that fear gets smaller every day, and the blandness of my life is starting to outweigh it all.