I’m at wits end. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve a job I can live off of. I don’t deserve a place to live. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything apparently. I try so hard, but I’m worthless, useless, ugly, no one would ever want me. I know I shouldn’t do this but I want to prove that I’m right, and show you just what an ugly, hideous, wretched monster I am. I’m not mad at the person I love. I’m mad at the universe or any higher power that made me this way. Why make me dream of love and show me two perfect guys that I can never have the privilege of giving my heart to?!? I’m fucking pissed I’m alive! I’m fucking pissed that I survived birth! I’m fucking pissed at the doctor for getting me out and reviving me when I should have died! Isn’t that a fucking sign I shouldn’t be here!?! I’m pissed at myself even for not listening to anyone and always being so fucking set in my ways even at 5 years old. Everyone told me how I was supposed to look in order to be accepted and I fucking ignored it all! Maybe I did fuck up my entire life from the start. No one can ever love such an ugly face and monstrously deformed body. This is me. I’m fucking worthless. I’m also a fucking monster. Born female, male mind, changed my name and gender marker, for fucking what?!?
9 comments
You deserve just as much as anyone else. You deserve happiness and success. You deserve a good life. You are not disgusting. I hate that you feel that way about yourself and I know I can’t change it, but I hope things get better.
Thank you. I didn’t think I’d get a single response, or if I did, I’d have a lot of people tell me to kill myself.
Never. I’m sure you’re a great person and you deserve to live just as much as anyone here.
You are not a monster. You are not ugly. You are none of what you just wrote. I promise you. I know what it’s like to hate who are you and hate your existance. Is there anything I can do to help?
Concur – not a monster in the slightest – in fact, you look a so much like a real world friend of mine that I had to do a double/triple take to make sure 🙂 Really good guy, my friend, very jovial smart, friendly but most importantly – care free … he does not give a shit how anyone thinks he “looks” (he is quite large) and of you have a problem with that he’ll tell you to kiss his extremely ample ass and he’s the type of person who would sit on your head to “help” you do the task LOL
The key is learning to accept who you are and how you look – believe me, we all have flaws that we don’t want others to see – some we can hide, others aren’t so easy to hide but one thing that always shows clear as day is confidence or lack of it … the hardest critic in the world is YOU about YOU. Get out of your own way and be who you choose to be – rejoice in that person – love that person … only then can others love you … and those that only see the shell aren’t worth your time and their words mean nothing … but those who see beneath the shell … well, they don’t see your flaws as flaws but as character features 🙂
I wish you well in whatever you decide – but try to give yourself a break and give yourself a real chance
blind dawg
Thanks for the replies and support. It does mean something. But point is, I’m biologically female, and testosterone hasn’t changed me much. I’m into guys, but no guy will ever want my love.
I gotta plead a level of ignorance on LGBTQ issues/concerns but if you haven’t may I suggest a support group in that area? I know I’ve heard all manner of gender confusion issues (forgive me if I’ve used incorrect terminology) so I gotta think LGBTQ support groups/systems will have more relevant counsel. I still think (based on this post) that you still need to start with being comfortable in your own skin and gain esteem and confidence in yourself. I’ve know too many people with low self esteem and self worth issues end up with abusive partners that take advantage and destroy what little self worth they have left.
apologies if I’ve misinterpreted your post – if you find my comments irrelevant, or otherwise ignorant, please simply disregard 🙂
humble dawg
No I’ve actually tried lgbtq groups and one was pretty ok for a while but I’ve been too busy and tired to go. The local ones on facebook however, I left recently because I was honestly told that I don’t really fit in or belong. I’m a good 15 years older than everyone else and too fat to fit in. That’s basically the gist of it.
try Intermittent fasting, a very known method of losing weight without much hassle in addition to allowing for greater longevity and a healthier mind+body and more energy, figure out the best eating windows for you i.e. 12pm to 8pm or a 6/18 hours window. then you could gather the motivation from a simple google or youtube search with others in your position and gain an edge by reading the appropriate books with adequate praise on nutrition and fitness.
as for working out, perhaps a bike or treadmill in front of the television, yoga and beginner bodyweight exercises in balancing out your anatomy after a physio check would suffice for a first step, always keep things simple when making gradual lifestyle choices.
gather the motivation by spending hours absorbing others experiences and learning how an insecure person became charismatic and then begin your journey there.
at this point you could research ‘The Man Who Never Gave Up (175 Pound Transformation)’/from cancer to fit by zack zieler on youtube and see the supportive comments for yourself and even start your own youtube show on such a matter with a adequate motivation, remember, you must first form a habit, as with everything in life like sitting on the couch or staying too long on the computer and then make those changes gradually toward your valuable dream.
Honestly, i think you look great but sad, my personal advice, though not worth much on this matter, would be to make the effort to use correct spf to tan over a few days until satisfactory, skin and hair product for growing it out to a desired length to be styled, different fashion choices, seriously get into martial arts for that extra boost in self knowledge and discipline/confidence and fix yourself a nice bright smile.