I’ve never written about my mood/mental health/episodes etc. I am now in such an awful place that I can’t find a way out so I’ve resorted to asking for the help of strangers online (which I’ve always sworn I’d never do).
I’m 21 years old, a college dropout and mentally unstable. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. I’ve been suffering since I was 12.
Last year I was finally living a life – I had friends, a boyfriend, I was working out and social. I kept myself looking well. Then I lost boyfriend, he actually acted in such a vile way – he caused me to have my second breakdown. I ended up in hospital after attempting to take my life and the week after he sent me photos of the girl he left me for.. Needless to say I sank to the furthest depths of my depression.
I was given stronger anti depressants that have caused me to gain 5 stone in 6 months (they haven’t lifted my depression either, they’ve done nothing but my doctors refuse to change them).. I have one friend who I text a few times a month. I have no goals, aspirations.. I have no social life, I am constantly on edge and I have these episodes when I’m so incredibly positive and motivated.. Then it all hits me – that I’m alone and without a hope in the world.
I have no talent. I have no education, no skills. I’m scared to leave my house because I have a vile temper that arises when I’m in crowds. I’m so lost, I can’t see a way out.
Every time I plan a step to take in my life towards a better future, I end up crumbling under the weight of ‘what if’. My mind is repugnant place to be.
I’m miserable, yet sometimes overly ecstatic.
I have a violent temper that I cannot control.
No friends, no job, no tolerance for humans.. I feel sick thinking about waking up.
I have lost everything that I built for myself last year.. I’ve lost my social standing, my confidence, my motivation, goals, a future and a peaceful mind. It’s all gone and I’m left with a physically and mentally busted sack of shit – I can’t even bear to look at myself anymore. I’m disgusted by what I’ve become.. I just.. I can’t do this. I need help, I can’t understand why my doctors won’t help me, why won’t anyone help ? I need help, I’m so desperate and ashamed. I’m nothing but another girl with a broken mind and meaningless life. I can’t see a way out. I’ve tried so hard.. I’ve tried..