I’m such a fucking idiot.
I’m tired of not being able to manage my moods.
I’m sick of the fact that I have zero social skills,
and can’t really “read” people.
I’m tired of pills that don’t really fix anything.
I’m tired of not having the balls to kill myself.
(I’ve come pretty close though)
I’m tired of doctor’s who think they can heal me.
(They can’t)
I’m tired of the voices I hear, which I’m convinced are demons.
I’m tired of people not believing they’re real.
I’m sick of the fact that they’ll never stop until I’m dead.
I still believe in God.
I still think I’m going to heaven (but not certain anymore)
I sometimes don’t think heaven is going to be as good as they say.
I’m tired of writing useless shit like this.
I have notebook after notebook of writings like this.
I think of them as poems that no one will ever read.
I checked the “Poetry and Art” box for this thing here, but is it?
Worthless fucking words on paper.
I never know how I’m going to feel from moment to moment.
My moods can turn on a dime.
I can’t handle everyday life, the smallest things overwhelm me.
I’m really just so very tired.
5 comments
Hey JRS, your words have meaning to me (hell you just wrote my biography) so they’re not totally worthless. Take a lesson from Michael Hutchence who filled scores of notebooks with semi-depressed ramblings and later turned them into lyrics for one of the most successful Aussie bands of all time, INXS.
Um, never mind the fact that he also hung himself in a hotel in Sydney. Bad example.
Ok how about Sylvia Plath, brilliant writer who… damn I did it again.
Just trying to be funny. The point is your words aren’t worthless by a mile. Fill a hundred books and before you know it, you’ll have lived a full life.
Thanks Salt, I needed that. Just the thought that someone can relate to what I’m feeling means a lot to me!
You sound really smart, so don’t call yourself an idiot. You’re far from being one.
You articulate your feelings well and you have a way with words. You seem to be coming down hard on yourself because things aren’t going well at the moment.
If your smart enough to articulate whats going on with you the way you have here, then your smart enough to make some changes in your life and make things better for yourself.
Demons, I know they are real so I believe you about that an the voices. Its a real thing.
So don’t feel alone. Your writings are not useless, they are well articulated and show you are smarter than you give yourself credit for. Take Salts advice and keep writing. Maybe write a story of imaginary person who is going through what you are going through and write about a happy ending or a clever way for he/or she to overcome it all and comes out on top with some great dramatic ending an you might have a best selling novel.
Maybe you could get something published someday that people could relate to.
Take a rest and try not to feel overwhelmed. Try not to make your problems out to be bigger than they really are, you can handle this.
As for getting through your days take it moment by moment and try to learn to relax.
I think your own “negative thinking” is bringing on extra anxiety to your situation.
Take it easy and don’t be so hard on yourself.
things will get better
Thank you PC43. I guess deep down I know that I’m intelligent, but I haven’t used this intelligence to accomplish anything in my life. See, there’s that “negative thinking” again. A lot of people have told me over the years that I’m my own worst enemy. And thank you so much for believing me about the demons, it means a lot to me to have someone understand. I’ve always thought that I would like to write a novel, so thank you for encouraging me. Maybe I should buckle down and actually do it. Thanks again PC43.
Im tired too