It’s all over

My job is going under, so I’m out of a job. I’m homeless already and can’t pay to stay anywhere now. I’m disabled too but they say I’m perfectly fine so that I can’t so much as get a disabled bus pass. I have been promised full time with benefits for the last 8 months and now they are going out of business. And my love is begging for a place to stay too, and I had hoped so much to be able to get my own place so he could stay with me. I know he’ll never be mine and now what can I do for him when I have nothing at all. No one out in the real world would hire someone as hideous as me. It’s true, I am the ugliest person on earth. People were kinder to the elephant man than they are to me. My face scares people and turns the stomachs of everyone I have faced for an interview. I have always been able to tell right from the start they are horrified by my appearance. A half decent second hand suit doesn’t polish this turd enough to get a job. I only had this job because they knew me personally and knew I was suicidal so they took me on to pull me off the ledge. But a lot has changed in those 8 months. Like meeting the most special person I’ve ever had as a friend. I wish I could openly tell him how much I love him, that I could really convince him that I truly love him, not to persuade him to be with me so much, just so that he would believe it and understand that I think the world of him, that he’s one in a billion to me, that I see the beauty in him and could seriously love him for a lifetime. He finally opened up to me a few days ago about how he really sees himself and it sounds like he doesn’t believe he’s even worthy of love. But I adore him and think he’s wonderful. But now that I won’t even be able to take care of myself, there’s no more time for pissing over methods and certainty or pain levels. I’m just going to have to find a place my crippled ass can get to….