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It’s been a long time

by snader

Hi (again),
This is my first post since the one I made somewhere in Octobre 2014, where i said i’d probably kill myself on Sunday. My brothers suicide, loneliness, school, stress and general depression were wrecking me.
Needless to say, i didn’t succeed. Alot has happened since then. Ah, where do i even start?
Okay so things were shit then (still are now so that’s stayed the same) and i felt very very very suicidal. My self harming had gotten pretty bad and i was making solid plans of killing myself.
I never mentioned this, but somewhere around a year ago i developped an eating disorder. By Septembre my anorexia had gotten bad, by Christmas even worse. I was nothing but a bag of skin and bones, always cold, looking like a dead corpse and having no energy. I was admitted inpatient for a few days but they released me as i wanted to recover from home.
Since January, i’ve been doing that. I’ve gained some weight. I haven’t been recovering for myself like most people do, i was planning on losing even more weight. I am disgusted when i look at myself now, i feel fat and am repulsed by myself. Anyways, i’ve been having therapy sessions every week but they fail to make me see how ‘skinny’ i am. I’ve been put on an antidepressant gor a few weeks now. I wanna go back to starving myself, i wanna starve myself to death. It’s like a passive suicide, taking months and months. And sometimes i get mad at myself, like why the fuck did i fuck all my progress of nearly dying up by eating?
I’ve been eating for my parents, because they were hurting so much from seeing me like this.

I’ve not been going to school for 10 months now, yet i did all my exams at Christmas and aswell as now. I will graduate somewhere next week. I don’t know how i feel about that. I’ve been isolated from friends and peers bc of my anorexia and thus not being able to go to school. I feel lonely as fuck.

I have been self harming again, badly. My mom knows and cries each time she sees the new cuts but i cannot stop it. I do not want to stop it.

I still want to die. I do not see how any of this has meaning or importance. There is a creeping and aching loneliness in my body and soul and i cannot live with this. I was thinking of maybe overdosing on my pills but i’m not sure if it would kill me.
I wish i could die without causing my parents pain.

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2 comments

Randall 6/17/2015 - 6:21 pm

Sorry to hear about your anorexia and cutting. Self harming. isn’t there enough pain and suffering without inflicting more on yourself? Sounds like you need some professional help. Or a life coach or mentor or something. It’s a hard road to go it alone.

reppolged 6/17/2015 - 7:39 pm

As much as you don’t want to hurt your parents.The passing of your child, whether of natural causes or suicide or even illness its always going to hurt someone. Really sorry to say. For Randall the self inflicting makes us fell “something” we feel soo empty that at least even if for a short period of time we feel that “something”.

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