I never believed when people said cutting was an addiction. But now it’s just not enough. I used to do baby cuts – just little ones – but a few of them at a time. They were small enough to go unnoticed even though I still wear short sleeved clothes. I didn’t want anything to be too obvious to people, but recently I’m noticing the are getting more inflamed and irritated – it kinda stands out too much.
Also I’ll admit I was scared of the pain. Initially that tiny pinprick was enough, but now it doesn’t hurt ENOUGH anymore. I want to cut deeper, but I’m afraid people will see. I have few long sleeved clothes since I live in a forever warm country.
It itches more than it hurts, and I NEED it to hurt.
I haven’t gone back to my counsellor, and I don’t intend to. I can’t be interrogated like that again. I’m so sorry that I’m whining at this age, but I don’t know anymore. I feel so lonely even though I have really good friends everywhere.
I can’t seem to trust them at all regardless of how amazing they are. I can’t bring myself to be truthful to them or open up properly. I’m afraid they’ll abandon me, and sometimes I get the inkling that they find me rather annoying. I’ll try to be less annoying. I won’t bother them I hope. If I stick to them too much they’ll hate me. I’m sure.
I just have to stand for myself.