Hi, I’m not an english native speaker, so sorry in advance for misspells or grammars errors.
I have a Borderline personality disorder.
I’m 28 years old and my life is a pain since when I was 10 or so.
I have huge social issues, I find hard to stay with people around without feeling really uncomfortable. I always felt really alone in my life.
Three years ago I knew this girl, let’s call her Giulia. She’s a very smart person which studies physics.
She is like a dream for me. She was not my first girlfriend, but I could feel that she was special. We were special. And she was my best friend too.
We were really connected, we have similar personality, we have common interests: science, mathematics, we like the same music and movies, we like to play videogames together, we like to cook… It seems that each one of us has found its special one. I was her dream and she was mine. We loved stay together for hours, something totally new for me. And finally I started to smile after a long long time (as said my mother). Oh, and she’s actually beautiful. Too beautiful for me. Really, perfect.
There was a difficult period a year and an half ago. I was for four months alone far away from her because my job (software developer), meanwhile my father was dying because a cancer. As you can understand the situation was very hard (especially for people like me).
After my father death, I returned in the same city with her and I felt really better, thanks to Giulia. We started to love each other even more, I assure you. It was like a love movie, everyone said that. Magical. I never felt this good. I was happy to live. This went on until a month ago. Now it’s over.
She went to UK for the master’s thesis for two months and after a while I went to her to stay together for ten days.
She was cold and nervous with me, we had good moments yeah, but something was wrong. When I come back, basically we broke up.
She doesn’t love me anymore because she’s tired of my jealousy.
The point is that I have this condition, BPD, that just made me act like a crazy paranoid.
Well, in a passive-aggressive fashion for the most part, but she just cannot take it anymore.
This feel of abandonment was present in our relationship for a long time. It was the only real problem for us. We fought different times for that (and only for that).
When she hung out for a party or with her friends I started to panic. I even cracked some her online account because I was afraid that she was cheating on me (she knows that). It was never the case; she just like to chat with people. And she was really in love with me, at the time, despite my jerkiness.
The whole point is that my life now is over.
With her I felt myself ALIVE, it was really beautiful to be loved and now I feel completely lost. We had plans, I changed my job to stay with her. Now, after three years, it’s all over.
I’ll never see her again and I feel empty.
I fear that she found another one too, but I cannot be sure because that could be the same paranoia.
I’m grateful to her, she was really kind with me, she had patience and a lot of love. I know is only my fault. I destroyed my life.
No it’s a month that I live alone, just smoking pot and drinking beer. It’s three days that I don’t eat anything. The problem is that I have not enough courage to kill myself.
I really want to, but every time I start to hanging myself I start to panic. It’s a shame.
Yes, I know. You would say that I have to just find another girl. Well, I’m not an ugly person but my social skills are terrible. But the real point is: where the heck I can find another Giulia?? She’s perfect for me, she’s the best human being I ever know. She’s my life and now I have NOTHING. I don’t even have someone to talk with.
I don’t want to suffer anymore. I don’t want to live with this fucking regret for my whole life. I don’t even have the strength to fight my life, to do something. I just wanna die.