It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Life was difficult (and in many ways still is) when I was a regular contributor. A quick recap: chronic pain/back injury, constant struggle to get necessary medications to manage said pain to maintain something akin to a “normal” life, got destroyed in the housing market collapse – lost two houses, and child support enforcement that seems to think I a gazillionaire when I can barely afford to eat – never mind that all “children” are adults.
There’s a plethora of other smaller issues that contribute, and some of those listed above – particularly the child support – is not a driving force on it’s own since i’ve been hamstrung by that for more than 2 decades – it’s a major pain in the ass to the extent that I’ve paid what I could over the vast majority of my children’s lives but when things got “bad” the courts are supposed to allow you to modify the arrangement to meet the new condition – that didn’t happen and instead the courts treated me more like a willful liar instead of a guy who honestly lost everything through powers/events beyond his control that resulted in my inability to pay. Why is this significant? Because in order to attempt to “force” you to pay – they suspend your driver’s license … this creates a catch-22 that is hard enough to get out of when you’re healthy … but I am not. But I digress …
Let’s fast forward to where i am today and the point of this post before you accuse me of a “bait and switch” 😛
So, I’ve been very tired, exhausted of life – mostly the pain and the begging for pain relief and being told that the government doesn’t want me to be an “addict” … as if a human can become “addicted” to living pain free? I know, right? 😉 anyway, a couple years ago when I was here a lot, I got a HUGE break, a lifeline of epic proportions when I met my current girlfriend who I now live with (and because I do, I don’t have the type of privacy to participate here like I use to). Anyway, life stabilized and became bearable and didn’t have the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff … I had taken a couple steps back from the edge of that cliff thanks to her. Needless to say – she accepted me as I am (with the exception of not knowing anything about my “plan B”) But I was very careful to ensure that she was VERY aware of what she was getting in a guy like me – which, to be honest, if a woman was exactly like me – I’d have RUN (I know, I’m a dick – but an honest one)
So here I sit, and I have no complaints regarding my girlfriend aside from sometimes she drinks a little too much and gets irrationally emotional and that she somehow got the impression that I am a mindreader – I am not. The pain is worse and the medications are less, but more restricted now making pain relief harder to come by and days of pain more numerous. So my mind has drifted back to “Plan B” with increasing frequency …
Then I find out an old friend died last night … BOOM!
I think – “That’s sad and untimely” … but am I sad? … why do I feel indifferent? … and … wait … is that actually JEALOUSY I’m feeling? I mean, I was there on the phone with probably my best friend who is almost in tears telling me the news … and I have no feeling … except jealousy … that LUCKY bastard! And he was YOUNGER than ME!!! FUCK!
Well, I start digging a little deeper and the details are VERY sketchy but it seems my old friend had been the victim of some accident – a serious one that left him in some chronic and degrading condition. Somewhere in the conversation the word “Hospice” (for those that don’t know – hospice is a service that “helps” comfort and tend to the terminally ill) was used in a vague context – I pressed but my bestie didn’t know any more details. I guess I’ll have to wait to get the full story.
I can’t help but wonder how my old friend – who was younger, stronger, and had musical talent incomparable except to names like Joe Satrioni or Yngwie Malmsteen – could have had life go SO wrong that he needed hospice and wrestled with drugs/alcohol (other words used in the conversation).
The reality is … I hadn’t had any contact with my now deceased friend for some 15 years … he kind of went into a self imposed exile and sort of disassociated with our circle of friends – I don’t know why. His world changed … he changed it and alienated the vast majority of people we shared as friends. So in a way, his death is just sort of “made official” what has effectively been going on for over a decade. In this way, I’m basically indifferent to the news of his passing – that makes me feel a tad icky because it just seems such news should have more of an impact to me – sadness, grief etc. … I just can’t get “there” … I mean, I KNOW it’s sad, I KNOW I wish he were still here and that I could talk with him – he was quirky funny … in a way that was oh SO unique that it made him stand out even more that his physical attributes already did – men would look and admire his physique and flowing naturally curly hair and women found him magnetic, sexy and personable … but he was always I tad aloof and kept the whole world at arms length … enigmatic.
I’m sorry for those closest to my old friend for their loss – I look back and reflect fondly of the times and closeness we had, when we had it … but those days were gone and logged into history over a decade ago – so the news is confirmation of what was already in existence – he was sadly gone out of my life … so I’m indifferent to it being “official”.
But overwhelmingly am I ever jealous … I’m in the age bracket where losing friends only becomes more frequent … and I’d rather be one that goes sooner rather than later … I hate jealousy … but man oh man am I ever jealous.
Time to re-evaluate “Plan B” and review and prepare …
wishfully jealous dawg