I’m not afraid of death anymore. The inevitable panic stage of dying is what scares me the most. I know if I swallow a bunch of pills, have my sweaty, shaky hand on the grip of a pistol pressing against my right temple, or if I decide to hang myself, those moments of waiting to die will be the absolute worst. All I know is that I need an escape, I need out, I need out of my body and my mind, need transcendence.
I’d like to think that reincarnation is real and maybe in another life I’ll be wiser and not make the same mistakes I did before. Perhaps I was shitty in a past life and the life I have now is punishment for it. Oh well… guess I’ll never really know. In death, nothing really matters anyway. I will take all my pain, horrid memories, and hardships and I will finally release it all for good. Just need an exact plan and date which I have been slowly calculating in my mind during the past few years of my “life”.
Even if things did change for the better, I seriously doubt I’d be anywhere close to who I thought I was when I was happy or who I ever wanted to be. This life is so fragile, the smallest things can make or break some people. It’s all about perception.