Mom always called me a guinea pig growing up. At first I thought it was a term of endearment, but that was before she told me it was because she could “mess up” with me (by being a parent) and hopefully get the next one right. Being the oldest is difficult. There’s a lot of responsibility and I was always the one to make an example out of. Growing up in my house was hard. It got to the point where I didn’t want to be anywhere near my family and isolated myself to school and home. I was kind of a loner and I remember always being angry because it was easy for people to look over me. I moved far away from my hometown and made a life for myself in my college town. The first time I used the word suicidal was last year. I admitted to a counselor that I had tried multiple times to kill myself, something my parents didn’t even know about. I have come to terms with the fact that I am suicidal, but it’s hard to get my friends and boyfriend to understand. They always tell me to “get over it” and “just be happy, please,” like I was choosing to stay in bed all day and stay away from fun summer activities. I wish I could tell them how much it hurts me when they say that, but they won’t try to understand. That is why I have chosen to sleep in my car than in our joint house. It’s going to be difficult, but my depression has dragged me into this hole that is telling me that there’s something better than where I am… and all I have to do is pull the trigger.
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I’m sorry to hear you were forced into the guinea pig position. I know you didn’t choose it, but if your parents were new to the parenting thing, I guess they had to start whatever parenting skills they had on their first. so if you look at it that way it wasn’t your fault an wasn’t theirs either. Its a simple fact of circumstance. Often we don’t realize that parents are people too and not perfect; and often they wind up becoming a parent and have to wing it the bet they can. Just like its hard being a kid for the first time, its hard being a parent for the first time too. Yes its hard being the first child, but its also hard being the youngest and so on. Life is hard in general. I don’t think anybody escapes hardship in this life.
Yeah I was a loner for a long time an that is not necessarily a bad thing. A person can be very happy spending time in solitude if thy learn to use their time productively an positively. In fact many people who have contributed a LOT to the world have been loners.
I know its hard when people don’t understand the depth of your pain and sorrow and they say, just get over it. I have been through that myself and YES its frustrating knowing that they have not walked in our shoes and don’t know what we are really dealing with. So I understand your frustration with that totally, but on the other hand there is something to “getting over it.”
for years I wallowed in misery going over my pains over an over in y head an didn’t realize the more I focused on them the more I was enlarging them.. so I did have to learn to forgive and forget and move on. But YES, some things don’t go away completely, often we have to learn to cope with certain issues that are ongoing, other things pass away in time, or at least get easier to deal with in time. I have had to let some things of the past go. Other things I have learnt to cope with for the long haul, but usually there is a way to at least cope and move forward an there is nothing wrong with needing help or asking for help.
Keeping positive and optimistic that things can an will get better is KEY
trying to find positive solutions to issues is key too.
No you don’t have to end yourself because things are the way they are right now. Things will get easier. Try to find a way to cope with what your dealing with. Again I know somethings don’t go away right off the bat but learning some coping skills can help a lot. I know it sucks when others don’t understand what your going through… that is rough. But try to find some positive coping skills for now and try to be open to the fact that its NOT always going to be this rough.
Take it one step at a time… even if its just to cope moment to moment and in time things will get better. Try to imagine things being fully better then in the mean time work little buy littl to get them that way. Often Life moves in the direction of our minds so get yourself a positive mindset and know that often people who are the strongest and most happy are people who hve been through hardships. You my be in valley right now but you can come out on top, you got to believe that.
good luck
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My heart goes out to you. You experienced trauma in your family home. Home should be the place you feel the safest but because your mom didn’t parent you- saying you were the guinea pig is horrible- a clear example of treating you badly (I don’t have to tell you that!). Your family’s dysfunction created a self that is untrue. It is not you. It is your parent’s behavior.
I say this because I experienced the same thing, only different. My parents always fought. As a young child I was afraid of them. But then, they divorced and then, my mom started treating me like a fighting sibling and she called me names, told me oh, no one likes you. Are you going to go out and eat worms?
WHAT?? I never, ever felt at home at home. I never felt at home at school either. Finally, I left for college ill prepared and surprise, I did not finish. I left home, my city and state and traveled for a living. That was the best time of my life. I was still anxious. Wondered if I was doing my job okay… afraid if I had no customers (took photographs of children and families at a dept store).
But the pressure from my family was still there. I was so scared but I could not admit it. I did not even admit it to me. After my traveling days I settled in an area I had traveled in.
But my fears and anxiety stayed with me. I had/have no one to talk to about this. Well, I take that back. I have a crisis line that really listens to me. Has helped me more than any of my counselors.
I am much better. I still need to talk it out and I will. I am finally moving again (back to my state I love so much!). Looking forward to restarting my life.
What I suggest you do is find counseling. If you don’t have insurance, contact your county health department. And you must be proactive by telling them what you told us. Tell them your family history and tell them how you are all alone with these feelings/ thoughts/ worries that stuck with you.
You can get through this. Really you can. You are much younger than I, you have a great opportunity to find who you are without your family influence. But you have to find support in order to get out from under your family’s influence… and I am talking about the past influence mainly. Seek out help. You can do it. One step at a time.
First, do this: stop beating you up for the pain. Start being kind to you. When you sleep too much, don’t be angry. You’re using a coping method and that is okay. Step two, when you feel so down and out of strength- journal about your feelings. Distract yourself with activity- read self help books, draw, anything you might like. Start planning when you aren’t so down in the dumps so you’ll have the things you might like when you are.
Step three- know that you can find help. You can get through this if you take one moment at a time. And keep going.
Write again. Hope you have a good rest of the week! 🙂
Lovely and great answer “pretend girl”. Hugs and thanks for what you wrote to her. I am sure she will feel better. You are a good girl.