It’s been a long time since my last post here. I like to think of that as positive improvement, yet for some reason, during my breakdown today, coming here was the only thing that made the tears stop flowing.
I’ve been feeling a great deal of pressure lately. My sister has been struggling with anxiety and depression for a while now. The past 2 years to my knowledge. This year it got really bad. She stopped going to choral practice and missed a lot of her senior year. She simply stopped doing anything that used to matter to her. So I convinced my parents to send her to counselling, which took much too long to get started, but I know from experience, that just being able to talk to someone who isn’t your parents, can be very helpful. Unfortunately, even with the help, she has not been able to commit to school enough to graduate. She has been working very hard for the past month, but she was so far behind that she just will not have the required credits for her diploma. We got the news about 7 days after buying her a non refundable grad gown. The school had us under the impression that if she kept diligent in her studies, she would have no problem passing her classes. That was a bald face lie, as it turns out, she was never going to pass english.
So, here I am now. It has been over a week since she last spoke to me, despite my many attempts to contact her, letting her know I’m still here. Because I can do nothing more to help her, I feel at a loss. In the past 3 months I’ve already had to accept that there is nothing more I can do for my best friend, who is currently suffering from chronic pain, my mother in law, who needs a 3rd spinal surgery in as many years, and her dad, who is going through intense chemotherapy for the exact same type of cancer that took his wife less than 2 years ago.
I have spent a few days and sleepless nights crying and stressing over this to no avail. I simply feel like I no longer have the ability to be human, yet have to force myself to go to both of my jobs in order to keep from going under financially. I just need some sort of break. Some sort of relief. Beating myself up physically so far has been my only source of relief. Even my pets have failed to ease the pain this time. I can feel myself coming to a dangerous place, wanting to completely shut down and say “fuck everything”, while I hide in my bed from reality. I’ve lost my desire to take care of myself, because I no longer have the strength. I’ve exhausted my options for help, and I still feel this way. I’ve reached a point where I asked my 6 year partner to leave me alone, because he has no idea how to help me either, and his lack of caring is making me angry. I just feel so defeated. I’m not real anymore, nothing is.